Dealing with Enemies, "Frenemies" and Bullies

 

Maybe you have noticed that it's very possible to "like" a person and yet not "love" them? Or that it’s possible to love a person but not like them at the moment. This dual aspect of liking and loving in a friendship occurs because these states take place in different areas of the brain. 

 

In the intellectual part of the brain, we "like those who are like us," as Robert Cialdini states in his book, Influence: the Power of Persuasion. We like other people who share our opinions, beliefs, values, goals and common experience or background. 

 

In the emotional part of the brain, we “love” each other because we make each other happy and raise each other's self-esteem. Both “liking” and “loving are distinct from the "desire" or "passion" that we feel in a romantic relationship, which comes from our the reptilian, or instinctual, part of our brain. Friendship is rooted in the “liking” and “loving” of the emotional and intellectual parts of the brain. When we have a problem with our friends, or they with us, the solution is always constructive criticism, in which we advise, point out flaws, suggest and direct them openly without causing offense. We are advocates for each other. Our friends like us and love us and serve as constructive critics and advocates at the same time.

 

 

Our enemies dislike us, as we do them. They certainly don't love us either. But enemies do not have to carry the absolute hatred that can lead to impulsivity, loss of control, and the tendency to invade emotional and physical boundaries. Enemies can still act toward each other with maturity, boundaries, and even a grudging sense of mutual respect. Our enemies dislike us, and are neither constructive critics nor advocates.

 

This is an easy one to see in your life, because their behavior is so clear and uniform. They are negative in their words with you and negative in their emotions for you, if they even express any of these directly. You might hear what they think of you through gossip or from far away through impersonal emails, or even see anonymous posts about you somewhere out there on the Internet.

 

Enemies might have far more troubles than you, and because they don't know you really, it is easy for them to be destructively critical. It's also possible for your enemies to be mature people, and even good people, but ones who don't like you and whom you don't like in return. They may at least have boundaries on their conduct, and might even respect you though they don't like you. It's possible because personal boundaries are the very source of what we call respect for self and others. I talk about boundaries in intimate detail in the MindOS program.

 

An enemy has not crossed that boundary into direct physical harm to your person, your property, or others "on your team" essential to your mutual welfare. That’s the role of the lowest of the low, the bully.

 

 

Bullies are enemies that go too far. They objectify us entirely while expressing a hatred that invades boundaries. If that’s not enough, bullies have the potential to cross over from being emotionally immature to being criminally physical. Bullies are immature enemies. While a mature enemy can do little harm, the bully is toxic.

 

Bullies lack personal boundaries, the origin of respect for ourselves and others, and may foolishly think nothing of actually violating your person, your property, or your social reputation - in some cases incompetent to even see what they are doing. This lack of personal boundaries also carries with it a characteristic we tend to call weakness. 

 

Bullies also lack self-esteem, often more than the victims of their bullying. They seek is a vulnerable other person to dump their emotion, frustration, and self-loathing onto. They are immature people for whom destructive criticism crosses into emotional or physical abuse. We need to adapt to the idea that in life there will be enemies - no avoiding that - but a bully need never be tolerated.

 

 

This is one of those contemporary comic neologisms that, upon reflection, can be a very useful concept. Frienemies are usually people we don’t know well and are not sure about. They are the precursors to friends, enemies and bullies. The frienemy can be a constructive critic but a non-advocate. Or the frienemy can be advocate who doesn't know us – or the situation at hand – well enough to be a fit constructive critic. When your life's goals, well-being, and that of your dependents will be directly impacted by the presence or absence of not only the advocacy of a friend but also their competence, concern, and constructiveness, you begin to see how destructive the “frienemy” can be. A frienemy is a free rider, somebody claiming to be a friend but really a "hanger on” who is "lazy" in the friendship. 

 

Recognizing the frienemy in our midst can be one of the heartbreakers in life. Sometimes we are talking about a positive person and a good person, but because they lack competence to be a wise teammate, and lack the concern enough to pay attention to the details, they can be destructive even so. They need to be let go.

They are "everyone else." Not quite a friend - you're not ever sure. Not quite an enemy - after all, they sometimes seem to advocate for you, like you, or smile at you even if they don't seem to spend much time with you actually helping you achieve your goals. With others, we might notice they help us with things - seem to be on our team, or at least show up to meetings - yet we might sense a vague feeling of disapproval in their demeanor, a nagging worry that they might someday "throw us under the bus" to save their own skins.

 

It's not possible to be true friends with everyone we meet, contrary to the mindset that the social networking sites might lull you into with their "friend" button. It's also not common that everyone in life is an enemy. If we ever get to feeling that, we might be in need of some therapy on our past hurts and traumas.

 

The teacher who once gave you an unfair failing grade was a frenemy - either not an advocate, or not very constructively critical as far as we know (until they took you under their wing to give you extra tutoring and encouragement to do better next time.) You then felt friendship feelings for them. Their role evolved from frenemy to friendly.

 

A boss who fired you was a frenemy - either not an advocate or not a constructive critic - until the next thing they did was to prepare you a nice or at least reasonable letter of recommendation for the next employer. From frenemy to friendly.

 

Some people in your family might also be true friends, but some others might be more of the frienemy variety. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your frienemies. If we saw that there are varying levels of friendship within families, we might have more actionable moves to make in improving what were formerly recalcitrant family relations.

 

Your lawyer, doctor, or accountant had better be more than frienemies - they need to be both competent critics, and reliable advocates over time. A journalist, an acquaintance, might be only a critic, not an advocate - which they don't owe anyone – but they also ought not be an enemy if they are true to their calling, and not a bully if they value their reputation as neutral. They are a frienemy, and so frienemies are not always a negative thing.

 

 

 

In determining whether or not a person is a real friend, you need to look at just two critical factors encapsulated in the phrase "critical advocacy." Watching the latest celebrity scandals, political conflicts and the ever-shifting journalism landscape away from "just the facts" toward what they are calling "Advocacy Journalism,” think how much I miss the classic critic who gives honest criticism. Add to that our reliance on electronic communication and the increasing objectification of others that occurs online, including the "spamming," "flaming," and the threatening, annoying, anonymous naysayers who clutter the Internet with spiteful, hateful, childish comments. Now consider how important communication is in friendship and how inaccurate communication can be between strangers and between friends when communicated over remote airwaves. What’s missing is the concerned critic – the friend who at once can criticize us but who is always our supporter. A true friend offers “critical advocacy.”

 

A friend is concerned enough to want details and to speak in those details. A friend doesn’t make flippant, sloppy, or thoughtless comments about you. A friend is present, self-aware and observant. A friend speaks from facts and real knowledge of the situation. Thus, a true friend is competent to give you advice and criticism. Finally, the friend is constructive, positive and encouraging, not negative and destructive. A friend offers solutions and suggestions. In other words, the true friend addresses the actual data of the communication, including an honest acknowledgement of the emotions between you two. 

 

If you've ever received criticism from a friend, coworker or romantic partner in which you knew the person was probably right in their opinion about you, but you left the interaction feeling shame, diminished self-esteem, or confusion as to what to do next, you probably experienced destructive criticism from someone who was not a true friend. Certainly you have also been on the edge of feeling hurt by opinions expressed by others, judging you, making you feel little, but on closer inspection you find that they a.) don't have the education to be a fit judge of your situation, or b.) don't have the shared experiences, or at least empathy, to be a fit judge of you.

 

Feel free to discard those people and experiences. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but you need to not be spending your time investing in friendships who are destructive critics. Someone who is an advocate in your life is on your team. It's great to have advocates in your life. They are a source of positive emotion in your communication. Your true friends are easy to spot. Aristotle defined a friend simply as somebody who makes us consistently feel happy, and we reciprocate.Your true friends are both constructive critics, and loyal advocates of you, your issues, beliefs, values and goals. Friendship is also related to the compatibility of our personality styles. Personality seems complex on the surface but is easy to understand with a little insight. Those who are best friend potential also tend to be our opposite in style yet still be well matched in maturity level. Try the useful quiz at www.kwml.com.