Oprah Contest and Some Very Challenged Men…

What if there was actually something new under the sun…

The material out there for women on men, dating, relationships sometimes seems to always go back to the same common denominator of “men are weird creatures,” or “men aren’t capable of vulnerability or emotional availability,” and in some cases even the downright “men are bad.”

I think it’s understandable why. When we don’t understand something, have been hurt by someone (which we all have), or are too pressed for time (which we all are) to wade through data to even bother to understand something or someone, it’s just easier to feel better about ourselves by criticizing, downplaying or dismissing the issue entirely as silly or unimportant. We all do this. After all, we want to feel good about ourselves as quickly and easily as possible.

I guess you could say the idea of “wading through data” and explaining it is the same thing as “translating” – such as in from one language to another, like Chinese to French and back. That’s men and women when it comes to romance, the workplace, and all things that create conflict, frustration, or even stir or enrage the passions.

It’s our animal instincts at work – what I suspect to actually be GENDER INSTINCTS actually – which cause all the misunderstanding and trouble.

It would be easy to say, “Oh that’s just rehashed Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” and to the mainstream person watching, listening or reading, that would be about right because that’s all we have time for.

I was talking to a female colleague about this tonight though, and she said, “Well that Mars Venus stuff offends me to be honest. The fact is we AREN’T really from these two other planets. We BOTH live on earth here and have no choice.

The toughest thing of all to explain as a “translator” is that men and women are BOTH the same, AND different. The mystery up until now has been to locate what the similarities and differences are, and many in the mind science professions have focused on the BRAIN as opposed to the MIND.

The brain, and its neurotransmitters, circuitry, and the imaging technology associated with it are exceedingly SEXY, precisely because they is so visual I suspect. When you literally see an MRI of a brain during love feelings, or listening to music, or during orgasm even, there’s no denying that’s fascinating. When we see the brand logos of medicines, and the happy people skipping through fields after taking them on the commercials, there’s no denying an emotional experience that compels us to pay attention and want to learn more.

What if that’s only because up until now, the mind could not be SEEN. instead we have language and dialogue and drama that needs explained and translated. Again, we don’t have time to wade through the data points. It’s too boring for the layperson consumer of entertainment that we all are.

Still, if you were a computer, your brain would be the hardware and your mind would be the software. From what I’ve seen, flashy new hardware like the ipad, iphone, or garmin gps units for your car sure are mesmerizing devices, but the human brain has not come out in the new 4G, version 3.0 hardware model in a very, very long time.

Which leaves us with “apps” – software so to speak. Those are the things which we can really use, and which can be released in new versions that attend to our needs like a glove fits our hand. That’s what MindOS – the operating system of the human mind is – an “app” of sorts, a software of the mind, not a hardware. (We already have perfectly functioning brains.)

So no, MindOS, KWML, the Seventh Sense Program, and the new Complete Feminine Empowerment Program do “translate” between men and yourself, and help you understand the workings of your own mind better, but they are not in any way, shape or form, anything remotely like “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”

Check this out:

The English version of the idea, “I love you, but I don’t feel like you understand me,” translates to,

“我爱你，但有时我觉得你不理解我。”

- in Chinese.

But this now translated into French, translates to, “Je t’aime, mais parfois je pense que vous ne me comprenez pas.”

Which then translating back to English, is, “I love you, but sometimes I think you misunderstand me.”

This is a translation through Google Translate, which does not have a “woman language/man language” translate button.  It’s also NOT what I originally put into the box.

I said, “I love you, but I don’t feel like you understand me.” The nuances here are entirely lost – I didn’t say that I THINK. I said that I FEEL you don’t understand me. The declarative fact that I love you is the same, but our DIFFERENCES (in how I feel about your understanding) are lost.

The same happens all the time between men and women not because we “think” differently or have more or less raw intelligence or language ability that the other, but because how we FEEL, and WHY we feel what we do, spring from different instincts and passions.

We are the same (intellectually, and in the capacity to love), but different in the subtle body language, facial expression, passions, and ultimately, translated MEANING because of the language differences of our gender instincts.

And that’s worlds different from being two genders helplessly recognizing each other from millions of miles away on two distant planets. As my colleague said, “We live on the same planet and have to do more than tolerate our differences and roll our eyes at the other person.”

We have to understand each other more than intellectually. We have to feel the experience of being the other.

News Flash

I had you read two articles at the outset, and now we can look at them in a little more detail:

men.webmd.com/news/20100611/rocky-relationships-harder-for-men

This is about men and women of a certain young age, but that’s no matter. It’s going to prove true with future studies to occur for all ages. That depends on the individual of course, because the only advantage of older age is the assumption that the person is more mature and equipped to handle conflict and turmoil in a relationship. As we all know age doesn’t always afford us that.

So women are affected by relationship status. We already know that from the Complete Feminine Empowerment Course (simply, on being a woman) and Seventh Sense (on romance) and the bird’s eye view (and actual diagrams of it) that show a committed relationship as sought after or possible in the feminine instinct.

These courses are at: www.womenshappiness.com/courses

The “surprising finding” that men are made MORE prone to mental illness and under challenge already within a relationship gone wrong than women are.

Yeah, we already knew that. The “commonly accepted truth” that men are “emotionally not in touch or able to be vulnerable” never made sense in the models I teach you because of several things you likely already know from those courses:

• Men more than value their careers and personal resources. They FEEL them as if they were a part of their own bodies, their very identity, and without which one may suffer a sense of chaos and disintegration of the self – which sure doesn’t sound like it would be good for mental health. (there’s a translation for you)
• Men hold back from emoting because it shows them to “be weak” (especially to other men on whom their instincts may tell them their lives depend) – think ancient cavemen on a hunt together, or at war, and what it would react in from other men to break out in tears of empathy for their future dinner, or in fear or cowardice at facing an enemy. (another translation)
• Men avoid commitment to a particular woman or pregnancy plans or anything permanent or life altering (such as the risk of divorce, alimony, or child support) when there is a hint even so slight, that their very sense of identity, autonomy or this source of knowing one “exists” could be in danger in any way (another translation, and a similarity, because you can certainly associate with wanting to avoid danger too).
• However, men actively pursue commitment when there is solid evidence that doing so will better their lives, give them a place to contribute and be valued for so doing, and offer a chance to be on a team that has the potential to be a winning team at joint goals that benefit both on that team called a “couple.”
• Once they surrender to commitment – as it’s always a risk, no guarantees in life – their closest feeling with which to empathize with women, finding a similar translated social scenario would be how they imagine a woman might feel trepidation after surrendering to sexual intimacy without yet having a complete faith that commitment will follow. (another translation – and similarity, as both men and women want to know they will be safe in their investment in the other.)
• Conflict WITHIN a relationship is a sign to the man that he has invested poorly, is at risk, and it’s too late, because he has already “given it up.” He’s given the commitment. He can’t just walk away unaffected, especially if married, and double-especially if there are children.

What may be surprising to add is that even if it were a simple dating relationship, no marriage, no children, yes, even that man is affected by the risk of breakup and the breakup itself. Alimony, child-support and the like aren’t present, but he has nevertheless invested of his soul just as she has.

The point is not that men are better or worse, or that they are “bigger victims,” but that they do FEEL EMOTIONS, those emotions DO affect them, and on that count, aren’t they very, very similar to you, but for different reasons and scenarios.

That’s a translation.

A real one. And closer to common sense than the “commonly assumed” factoids about men, women and romance than you may be accustomed to in standard reading fare.

Don’t forget that little instinct in men that tells them that if they emote, cry, express worry or concern over their investment in you, it FEELS to them as something deeper than “things not working out.” They feel it as a threat on their very identity and existence on the gut level of animal instinct.

This is NOT just useful to men. They already know it’s true in the same way the Chinese know Chinese and the French know French.

It’s useful to you because if you want the maximum out of men in romance, men in the workplace, or simply in the man who is your cab driver, busboy, bagging clerk, lawyer, accountant, or next door neighbor who mows his lawn at the darnedest inconvenient times for your lifestyle, the problem isn’t in who or what he is…

…but in how you communicate, understand, and translate between you both.

For even more challenges, just look again at this article, too long for us to analyze and translate here, but perhaps another day:

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/8135/

Why I Moved

Six years ago I moved to Chicago for a lot of different reasons. I wanted to reach more people, but then again, I also looked at NYC and Los Angeles. I had a younger brother living here, and family is nice. But then again, we had maintained a close relationship over the years and miles. I liked the people, but not the weather, and the small town feel in a large city spirit of opportunity and novelty of experience.

Looking back there was an item on the very bottom of my list, a frill, a trifle, and something so lala-woowoo-kooky I didn’t let it take precedence in my own mind much, let alone say it aloud to friends (especially MALE friends.):

I had jotted at the end of my list of reasons for moving to Chicago:

“Well, Oprah lives there.”

Which isn’t all that true to what I understand now. She lives all over the world, and especially in California.

Years ago, I wanted to be an author, and two books later I am. And in some silly, naive way I think I always thought I might “run into her” here, meet friends of friends, speak a few words in a different sort of voice from the usual – something about the truth about men that’s not so “they can’t commit,” “they’re emotionally unavailable” stuff that a decade after developing this material for you, research FINALLY finds little bits and parts of supportive evidence for.

Well it never happened, and her show is closing down.  The whole book world is imploding actually, and the web is where people get their news, ideas and education.

Alas.

But I see she seems to have one last promotional contest going.

To scout for new hosts.

I only have 5 or so days left, and I don’t care if only one person sees my entry. I wouldn’t be able to look in the mirror if I didn’t at least try.

In the end, it seems that you have to build your own thing anyway, but maybe that’s just my “man language” talking.

I’d be interested in your feedback, suggestions for what you would want to see, what hasn’t been done on tv, and I’ll whip something together by tomorrow.

If you see it at oprah.com, vote for it.