Back to the drawing board or Just sit still for awhile

[bootiehead]

I'm writing this both for validation, perspective and to stave off jumping into rash action. I am in a relationship possibly ending. We have been together for about a year & half to a man who admittedly says he can't give more than he has. In my eyes it amounts to a more something more casual and less committed than I need. I recently had surgery and expected some emotional support but he is spread between demands from his sons, his career, and parents. I can be completely compassionate but I haven't been able to be that without feeling a little neglected or disrespected. In any case I told him I was done with the neglect and eluded to a break up. He said we should table it and talk later. He has refused my call or text to talk now 4 days later. Even when we do talk I can't see anything he would agree to that would give me more of what I want. It can only be to continue as things are or to end things. We have amazing chemistry and he was calling to talk regularly at night until we had the last fight. We have been seeing each other less and less, now about once a week or two. It seems it was about timing but more and more, difficult emotions are developing between us because my needs are not being met. My question is do I accept things and be compassionate and have faith that in a year or two things will change or do I just move on? So easy to be advised to Move on. If I stay how do I continue to find my own happiness in an unfulfilling relationship?

[janiceh]

Hi Bootiehead,

Firstly, I need to say that this forum (apart from general announcements) is now paid only and, as such, to gain ongoing advice from Dr Paul and the moderators, you need to become a member.

Having said that, I will give you some immediate feedback, which may represent tough love to you - but it's not done without compassion.

I remember your story and I remember you being advised back some time ago to let this one go (or similar). You did not want to hear it then and I suspect you do not want to hear it now, all of which I understand.

Can't remember what products you've invested in of Dr Paul's, but many of the answers are in Seventh Sense or MindOS.

My question is do I accept things and be compassionate and have faith that in a year or two things will change or do I just move on? So easy to be advised to Move on. If I stay how do I continue to find my own happiness in an unfulfilling relationship?

OK, just one question to you here. Why would you EXPECT to find happiness in an unfulfilling relationship? Why would you even WANT to try? You are simply denying your own needs by attempting that, so your needs are NOT going to be met by doing that.

You ask if you should stay or go.....and yet, really, you already know the answer. You also almost dismiss the potential advice of moving on before you even receive it. Yes, it's easy to say 'move on'. It is much, much harder to do so - we all know that, respect that and have compassion for how difficult that is.

But ask yourself this question. Had you left him six months ago, where do you think you'd be now? Might you not be 'over' him? Might you not have met someone else? Might you not be in this position of asking this question?

The longer you continue to stay in an unfulfilling relationship, the more time you will consider you have 'wasted' when you finally do give it up.

Have compassion for yourself. If this man is not ready for a relationship, then he's not ready. You will be better served by leaving him and allowing him to come looking for you/chasing you when he IS (if he ever is).

Most of us have been in a similar situation and most of us look back on it as a waste of time. Why commit ANY more time to the possibility or the hope?? The right man will make you feel secure and patient. The wrong man will have you wondering and anxious all the time (most of the time). Yes, you need to move on. Sorry, but you do.

I would strongly recommend you purchase a month's membership to talk to Dr Paul and the other moderators about this in more depth, either on this forum or via the weekly teleseminars. You will gain much more from that and I'm sure you will consider it money well spent.

[Paul Dobransky MD]

I'm writing this both for validation, perspective and to stave off jumping into rash action. I am in a relationship possibly ending. We have been together for about a year & half to a man who admittedly says he can't give more than he has. In my eyes it amounts to a more something more casual and less committed than I need. I recently had surgery and expected some emotional support but he is spread between demands from his sons, his career, and parents. I can be completely compassionate but I haven't been able to be that without feeling a little neglected or disrespected. In any case I told him I was done with the neglect and eluded to a break up. He said we should table it and talk later. He has refused my call or text to talk now 4 days later. Even when we do talk I can't see anything he would agree to that would give me more of what I want. It can only be to continue as things are or to end things. We have amazing chemistry and he was calling to talk regularly at night until we had the last fight. We have been seeing each other less and less, now about once a week or two. It seems it was about timing but more and more, difficult emotions are developing between us because my needs are not being met. My question is do I accept things and be compassionate and have faith that in a year or two things will change or do I just move on? So easy to be advised to Move on. If I stay how do I continue to find my own happiness in an unfulfilling relationship?

Well it's reminding me of lesson in BOTH the MindOS Mastery program at http://www.womenshappiness.com/mindos, AND the Seventh Sense Program at http://www.womenshappiness.com/seventh-sense.

First off, it's a boundary concept for us all to say we wish or want or desire something, but when it isn't or can't now be what we want, we might still persist in the wish or desire, unconsciously thinking that maybe that will force it to be so, anyway. It won't. At least not for now, or without some new insight, communication, compromise, or understanding.

Usually for us all, it's the understanding and compromise parts that just aren't happening in US.

The boundary effect we are talking about (from MindOS) is called "suffering." It's where we wish and strain for the uncontrollable. The only answer to it is to surrender, and stop suffering.

However, the second piece is from the Seventh Sense.

Either a relationship is workable and passing the tests of a courtship in progression, or it's not. It passes or fails based on a certain number of steps qualifying it as a YES, it's WORKING, it feels good enough and has promise.

Only we ourselves can decide what our dealbreakers and cutoffs are, in quality and in time spent trying.

The key is to be exactly 50-50 with how much we compromise, communicate, collaborate, wait patiently, and team up together. Then it's fair.

We come to relationships VOLUNTARILY, and don't OWE each other anything. Not in dating, not in relationships, and not even in marriage. The wonderful things about these connections is the very fact that they ARE voluntary. That's how we know they are REAL, and DURABLE, and can't be easily torn asunder, as they say in marriage vows.

Maybe it's not a bad idea that he says "let's table it for now."

You can both calm down and reach a meeting of the hearts and minds, ending it if it seems honest and right, or continuing it on a NEW TRACK based in really stopping to hear each others complete list of 50-50 needs, desires, duties, labors, and wishes for the future. Then ask each other and yourselves, whether this is something you voluntarily want to be a part of. Not "owe" each other.