Borderline Personality Disorder

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Would you please consider providing, or guiding me towards educational material that may be in your books, on the topic; Borderline Personality Disorder?


In my courtship phase with a man I discovered he has received psychotherapy, and has BPD. I am curious to learn ways I can communicate more effectively with him; especially when I need to present my personal boundaries. I would like to receive a scientific understanding of what his brain is experiencing, and knowledge on how to speak his language. My goal is to have a healthy interdependent relationship, and I need more information before I make a decision to end the courtship.

Thank you,

Pink

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Thanks for this - it's a good question. Of course we all need to remember that this is not a medical site, or medical consultation. It is ONLY a place for discussion and education, and the ideas herein are not to be substituted for going to therapy of your own, getting official, local professional consultation.

BPD gets pegged a bit like it is a "disease" per se, instead of a condition of one's character development and maturity level. (which is in our conscious control to learn about, work on, and change our own behavior.) In certain diseases such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, a person has absolutely no say-so regarding their illness - they need medicines and it's not a matter of "having free will" to wish away the latter disorders.

BPD in males is very, very rare, and more common in women, but either gender who have this condition will someday have to make a decision to learn about their behavior, how it impacts others, and at some point learn a great deal about boundaries and how they work. The problem is that, unlike in using medicines, someone can be a curious person about their own psychology, or not be, be a curious person about other people, or not be. And we do not control that.

You are right. To be sure, boundaries have a great deal to do with growing up, learning character, social politics, and getting more functional socially and romantically than this disorder usually is capable of.

It's also exceedingly difficult to diagnose this disorder because the characteristics that wualify a person for it are pretty extreme, can be a bit subjective - there is no lab test to take, or even outer signs or symptoms in the way that one can measure blood pressure to discover the condition hypertension, or check labs to discover that someone has high cholesterol.

People are often misdiagnosed with this condition when other things are more explanatory - drug abuse, alcohol abuse, posttraumatic stress, or simply a lack of social resources to have done enough social learning in our youths (again, boundaries need interactions with others in order to grow stronger and more mature.)

We cover all this pretty extensively in MindOS Mastery Program, and in the brand new specific program on boundaries called Feminine Intelligence in Personal Boundaries - now available for order by way of the main menu under PROGRAMS at www.womenshappiness.com

If officially diagnosed by a local professional, with convincing evidence and symptoms, not just a guess...

...it can amount to "parenting" the other person in order to grow them some boundaries - quite a laborious task to take on, and what we didn't sign up for when we got in the relationship in the first place.

You want to be in a relationship with a PEER, not with someone who is a "child on the inside" requiring parenting duties.

So I suppose the best move to make with such a person if one is trying to be a partner to them, is to strongly advise that they continue their therapy, and are responsible for their own behavior, moods, successes vs failures, and that you yourself are looking for something specific in a relationship.

Otherwise you wouldn't get into the relationship in the first place...

[pink]

I appreciate how you took time on a holiday; December 25, to answer my questions, and I appreciate hearing your perspective, or point of view. Thank you