Breaking up

[wantowin]

Hey everyone,

Could you give advice on how to break up a relationship in a feminine way that is attractive (sexually, emotionally and intellectually). What words work the best? This I feel is important for the two parties, for the future of the relationship if there is going to be a future relationship to be had and for other new relationships in the future with new people. Also how to accept a break-up if the man is initiating it?

So I'm asking: How to be feminine and attractive while #1 breaking up with a man and/or #2 the man is breaking up with you. Could you give the best wording for both situations.

PS. The good thing is that I'll be OK eventually and I know I can meet other men.

Thanks!!

[Paul Dobransky MD]

#1 the man doesn't need or want "closure." There is no such thing as "closure." Only women want that. People breakup and rediscover themselves and sometimes each other. It's a flow of life not a "closure." So just drift away, or text, and message that he's an amazing man, just not for you, which minimizes his shame.

Being in PERSON with the VISUAL of you in his memory MAXIMIZES shame because men have VISUAL reminiscences and grief memories (as well as sexual fantasies).

#2 Get busy, and again, don't do it in person. You being UNSEEN is far more powerful to HIS memory of you being gone - the last thing he "sees in his mind" is a visual of GOOD times with you. So even though women like "closure," it's most powerful for you to not "officialize" it.

Words and messaging are again that you learned alot and appreciated him, and he'll remember that. It gets to be more about your own self-respect that you are a high character person in breaking up.

If you need closure, burn the stuff he gave you, but inflicting harm or guilt or even ultimatums or threats that "he'll never find as good as you" ever ever work.

If you are inclined toward revenge, the best revenge is finding a much better fit in a man and perhaps running into him utterly unintended (for real)...

This is the stuff of the Seventh Sense Program:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/ ... se-program

[wantowin]

Thanks for the clear and concise reply. Also surprising!

Ok then, what to do when the man has caused the break-up because he moved away to another continent and the girl drifts away as you recommended but the man tries to keep contact soon after the break-up. My boyfriend begged me last night to please keep contact through calls/emails/texts because he "still cares very much and is worried about me". I told him I was OK. Before the breakup he liked to get hold of me very single day.

[janiceh]

Hi Wantowin, welcome to the forum

Are you an On Demand member here? In other words, can you access the rest of the forum? If not, I'd highly recommend you join up - it's not expensive and there's so much you can gain for a relatively low amount per month.

Ok then, what to do when the man has caused the break-up because he moved away to another continent and the girl drifts away as you recommended but the man tries to keep contact soon after the break-up. My boyfriend begged me last night to please keep contact through calls/emails/texts because he "still cares very much and is worried about me".

Why is he worried about you? Did you take the break up badly?

Given that he has chosen to break up with you, then it's important that you give yourself the space to move on effectively. That, for most women (and men, actually), means a VERY distant friendship, if any at all.

It's extremely difficult to be 'friends' with someone you're in love with. Most people know and accept this. It's possible later, after a decent break (perhaps), but usually not directly after a breakup.

It is not unusual for people (men AND women) to seek friendship with an ex lover, when they are the ones who broke it up. IMO (and it is MY opinion), this is inordinately selfish and usually NOT motivated by care for the other person per se. If someone breaks up with a lover and that lover is still in love with them, then the kindest thing to do is not complicate their lives further or delay their healing process further by asking and/or expecting/pleading for etc. etc. friendship. It is simply not cricket. (For non Australian/UK/Indian/Pakistani people....that means it just ain't the done thing/fair.)

If your boyfriend broke up for logistical reasons, ie he felt it just not reasonable or realistic to continue a relationship from another continent (which is actually perfectly sensible), then it wasn't necessarily due to lack of feeling.

However, there is no real need to add any acrimony to the scene at all. You can gently explain your reasons for wanting some distance for a while, to help you move on and ask him for understanding/respect on that. And you can show him similar respect and acceptance for his decision to break up.

[ArtMuse]

Hey wanttowin ~

Can you clarify please who is the one responsible for initiating the break-up, and if it's even happened, 'officially'?
Your opening posts presents the idea that you are seeking a diplomatic method of break-up. Your response to Dr. Paul suggests that there has been a break-up related to this man's move.

Glad to have you join us ~ do consider signing up for forum access...LOTS of great information.

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Guys, this category is for the WEEKLY NEWSLETTER. That's where the answer is to be and I'm the only one supposed to be answering here. If wantowin is a full On Demand Member then start a thread elsewhere and go for it!

Otherwise, this mailbag is open for free to the public, and ONLY for consideration to be answered in the weekly newsletter by yours truly.

Thanks all!