Can I ask him out?

[bikram35]

I am seeing someone who is 12yrs. younger, I am 36. He calls and or texts everyday so far, it's been a month since we've been seeing each other, we've been intimate. We are wildly attracted to each other, he is extremely sweet, and gentlemanly always. My question is I seem to initiate the meetups more then he does. He is on track with his mission and I understand this is the important part of his masculinity. He is completely ahead of his time, actually he is more mature then all of the 30 somethings I know. He is at the stage in his life where his friends play a huge part of his life and what he does for a living requires him to attend industry events almost every night. We see each other 1 to 2 times a week and have spent a few hours on a couple of weekends. I have my own life and am busy as well. I feel at this point in my life I ask for what I want and am fine when I hear no. Although when I do initiate meetups he makes time to see me. Everything is going fine, I just enjoy him so much and want to see him often. What should I do, I feel like if he were older I would just ask and not second guess if it's a good idea. Since he so young I don't want to scare him off or appear to intense or needy because that is so not the case.

[eltigre1013]

hi bikram35,

You're very much in touch with the age and masculinity/femininity dynamics here. He's still in his 20's and is still establishing his career. He's ambitious, as shown by attending the industry events, which is good, and he's put together a team of other men. That's a very big part of a young man's life...bringing together your team, or posse.

Meanwhile, you are 36 and are probably more ready and raring to be involved in a more intimate, sustained relationship with a man that looks like it's "going somewhere."

You are doing a lot to help support him, cheerlead him, in his mission. I think you should keep doing this. I do NOT think you should try to see him more often, or to try and have him "all to yourself" for more days during the week than you do now. But understand this: you are a GREAT GIRLFRIEND to him, especially right now at this stage in his life. You're supportive of him, and not demanding. So, I think you should keep doing that.

The only thing I worry about is that you might be investing more in the relationship than he is. You are starting to ask yourself, "am I getting what I need out of the relationship?" Good question!

I think it would be enough that he shows some appreciation all of the things you do for him? You are doing so much for him, literally boosting his masculinity. Are you even getting that from him? Appreciation? From your message, it sounds like it, potentially. You have every right to expect him to do something special for you from time-to-time to express his appreciation.

So ask yourself those questions. If the answer is "yes, he's appreciative," then that's probably the best thing a guy his age can be for you, while still establishing his career, team, and getting his life going, etc. If the answer is "no," then confronting him or being demanding will NOT solve the situation. It's very hard to teach a man to be appreciative who is not already. You'll have to face the fact that, although he's a great guy, you still might not getting what YOU need from the relationship. In that case, you'll have to carefully consider how much of your life you want to devote to such a situation. Over time, it will wear you down.

Unfortunately, this might be a common dynamic in a lot of relationships between men in their 20's and older women:

-HE really digs the relationship because she is mature, hands-off, respectful, helps him with his career...and the sex is great!

-SHE gives him "space" but yearns for more, and she worries about being too demanding. (Some men, even good men, might not have learned how to show appreciation for this.)

-SHE naturally wants and deserves to be appreciated. Over time, she ends up feeling a little bit "used."

-HE either is appreciative, or he isn't. HE cannot be taught this

-SHE needs to make a decision: remain and continue to feel more and more resentful over time, or leave and try again (with hard-won wisdom and experience!)

Let us know what you you think!

Best,
Tony Monterastelli
VP/Editor-in-Chief
WomensHappiness.com
tony@womenshappiness.com
773-852-2234
Skype: tony8391

[bikram35]

Thank you for your wise words Tony!
I do feel that he shows his appreciation for the cheerleading and support I provide for him. I can honestly say he feminizes me more then the man I was in a 6 yr. relationship with, that ended earlier this year. He is extremely affectionate and just plain sweet, he is not typical of any man I've been involved with. I feel that he is doing exactly what he needs to do at this stage of his life and it really does attract me even more to him, the fact that he has so much focus and drive to reach his goals no matter what obstacles he faces. So as long as he is in my life I will cheerlead him, it's awesome to watch really. This experience with him has shown me so much in such a short span of time. This year for me has a journey of self discovery and he is just what I needed right when I needed it to reestablish my faith that good men do still exist. I knew the answer to my question before I asked for some insight on the matter. I will allow him to initiate the meetups and continue to give him his space and enjoy the moments we do spend together because they are so enjoyable. He is an amazing man already at his age and I admire him tremendously. I feel that he is giving me as much as he can at this point and honestly I can't ask for more. My instinct tells me that I should just sit back and let things progress naturally. At the same time I have enough hard won wisdom and experience to know when it's time to pull back and abort the mission. I am now in the business of loving myself - which only will allow me to be involved in situations that raise my selfesteem. My heart will only beat to the drum of happy now!

Many thanks!!!

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Let me add to this... completely on point Tony...

I think we can BOTH generalize about people by demographic, such as age, but ALSO respect each person's INDIVIDUALITY as being anywhere from the NORM to the OUTLIER.

Soooo...

One has to consider BOTH in an individual, because he can lapse into the average - which most DO, right? Yet also enjoy the surprises of OUTLIER behavior (which will most often be occasional, not frequent).

Get it? Statistics matter. Most women will ENJOY a younger man here or there, but then take lessons learned (or just pleasure enjoyed) and settle on a guy who is of the same mindset, culture (by decade) and lifestyle.

If we go too outside the norm, there is a chance that the lifestyle difference does not matter at all in the first two phases of human courtship I lay out - Sexual Attraction and Emotional Attraction (friendship) - detailed in the Seventh Sense Program at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/seventh-sense-program

But oh it most certainly does in the third and final phase (commitment.)

What could be easier to understand?

As we wrestle with the Demi Moore / Ashton Kutcher question of why do they get together, why does someone cheat? Why do they not work out?

Duh, it has nothing to do with cultural fads, and cougars versus young pups and all that.

It's as simple as cultural similarity, versus FOREIGNNESS.

She likes music of the nineties. He likes something she has never heard of and never wants to hear again.

We can't commit not because men are dogs or cougars are dating too young, but simply because we are too culturally different!

But it does not matter how different we are in the arena of passion, or even LOVE - a function of personality style and self esteem.

It DOES matter when we reach the COMMITMENT phase - which matters, frankly, more to girls than boys.

Then the woman feels hurt, and the man bewildered, when all that was going on is being too different from the other, by culture of the decades...