Can't find an answer to this anywhere

[cosmicnun]

Dr. Paul:
I've heard both you and Dave D use the term "from a good family" as a qualificationfor a man in terms of whether or not he will consider her "girlfriend material," or ever pursue her for marriage.

Why is this particular item so important in the male psyche? I can't find a single reference to it anywhere in neuroscience/core male identity/male happiness and satisfaction drivers. I can't find even one instinctive behavior that truly relates to this. Is this just men using women to add status to their lives? Is it really something men would use as a disqualifier?

Additionally, what can we do if we are NOT from a good family? I am estranged from my family and have no plan to ever have contact with them again. Am I doomed to be looked at as "damaged goods" by men, despite the incredible amount of work I've done to overcome my parent's behavior? I am not responsible for the accident of losing the genetic lottery! Should I really consider seriously that I will be looked at as not suitable for dating once a man finds out that my family is out of my life because of their behavior that I am in no way responsible for?

[eltigre1013]

Dear Cosmicnun,

I think that just simply by asking this question and seeking knowledge and understanding, that you WILL find a great man for you who will accept you and your family situation as it is, and for whom you'll be a wonderful partner and anything but "damaged goods.".

I'm sure of this because you've already taken the biggest and most important step to working through it: you're CURIOUS about it. So, I really encourage you to drop the fatalism and negativity shown in the final paragraph. You're already solving this dilemma, just by taking action to seek answers!

So, relax a little bit. You are most definitely NOT doomed, LOL. And...let's explore this fascinating question:

I think the quick answer is yes, family history does matter for many reasons. Yes, it is a qualifier. But that's only the beginning of the discussion and certainly NO reason to draw fatalistic conclusions.

We all are programmed by evolution to seek mates with high-quality genes. And men naturally seek rank and status in the world, which helps a man feel more masculine, more like a man. But history is filled with men who thought they were "marrying up" and who feel great about marrying into a "good family" only to end up with cold, distant wives who never supported them, never gave them a word of encouragement, never truly admired or adored them.

That's because, although the family situation can have some bearing on a man's primal need to rank and status, I think the BULK of this comes from the WOMAN HERSELF, regardless of her family. IF she is beautiful to him, IF she shows him open admiration, IF she cheerleads him, and IF she challenges him, test him a little, so that he can feel like he has won her love over other men, then the same objectives is still achieved: she makes him feel like a man!

So there is SO MUCH that is still within your control. When you do find that guy who loves you, then you'll know that he loves YOU for YOU, not for your family or connections, etc. Even though it's true that family is A qualifier, it is not THE qualifier. You control the rest, and you are on the winning side of this fight from the beginning.

Also, probably like a lot of people who come from broken families, you seem to make an assumption that all or most other families are strong and perfect. Darling, that's just not true. It's been said that ALL families are dysfunctional. Even the ones that seem perfect....ESPECIALLY the ones that seem perfect. They only seem perfect because the nature of a family is closed, private, cloistered. People can and do hide a lot of the dysfunction that happens in their families from the rest of the world.

In fact, you are probably STRONGER than most other people because you have openly acknowledged that your own family is a negative force in your life, and you've made a DECISION about what is best for you. This probably puts you ahead of so many people who continue to sweep these issues under the rug and consequently harbor a lot of repressed negative emotions. I think that there are many men who will see this STRENGTH in you. To them, it will be more of a qualifier than just "coming from a good family."

Do you live in the United States? Then you live in a society where families dictate far, far less for our opportunities and social standing than in other societies. Many of the most accomplished people in America in business, entertainment and politics come from broken families. And most of them are far more interesting individuals, more creative and more driven and have a CORE of resourcefulness that those others who rest on their laurels of "coming from a good family." Even the president of the United States came from a broken family. So you're living in the right place, if you're in America. Be glad that you don't come from India, China, or Saudi Arabia or some other place where family status pretty much determines everything.

Keep exploring, keep living, and remember that every new situation and every new romance is different and dynamic. Every relationship you have will always happen in the present moment. You are not your past, and you are not your family history. You always have control over your own actions in the present. Stay open-minded, optimistic and positive. STAY CURIOUS.

[heartofagopi]

Hi Cosmicnun!

Interesting question!!

Eltigre I like your answers and have a few thoughts on this myself!

What seems to make a woman secure and stable is how well she "parents" herSelf! We have all heard the word "drama" being used with regard to women's highly emotional behaviour these days. DRAMA, it has been said, is often present in women who are acting-out as a result of not having good parenting, or as some suggest, good MOTHERING. If drama gets out of hand, it turns into tantrum like behaviour. 2 year olds throw tantrums and we accept that it is part of their development, but we commonly don't accept the fact that grown women should get much positive response out of tantrums.

YOU may have learned to parent yourself very well in the absence of having the biological parents who were not able, for whatever reasons, to do the job well. IF you have a lot of well being as a result of self-care, self-study, meditation or other forms of support, then you have found a source of good mothering. If you have developed an abundance of self-esteem as a result of working with a therapist or support group and/or having good friends or other relatives who educated you and helped you come to higher levels of self-actualization...then you have found a way to father yourself.

If you are balanced and have learned lessons from living life no matter what your birth situation then you will project toward a potential mate the REALITY of who you are....a woman of high character and maturity. Like attracts like. We all do the best we can. We are all constantly growing!

I have, as you most likely have also, met women from seemingly "good" families. However, there are many times when these women can be whiney and immature self-centered, lazy ladies. So, the definition of "good family" can be something that is interpreted in many ways.

I have often mentioned my grandmother here on the forum. She was raised at the time when Czar Nicholas ruled in Russia. Her father fled to the USA when she was quite young and her mother died. She was raised by her grandmother for a few years until the woman died, then my grandmother fled the border guards, at age 12, and went on a boat to the U. S. A. all ALONE. At 12 she was put in the 1st grade since she spoke no English.

It is hard to believe that a woman who had such a turbulent upbringing could become so incredibly compassionate and brilliant. But, she did in fact lead a life where she was the beloved matriarch of our family. She learned many lessons and after her death many relatives named their children in her memory as she earned her title of WISE WOMAN.

I feel we all can culture our own selves in many ways. Seize the day and seize the moments and make a promise to yourself to nurture yourself as a Good Mother and do acts of bravery as your own Good Father.

ONE IMPORTANT POINT:

Treating yourself to empowerment programs, especially LIVE SEMINARS with great teachers is another way of getting a "GOOD FAMILY"!! I firmly believe that GREAT TEACHERS in our lives today are the real sources for parenting.

I found Dr. Paul's live seminars life transforming. I hear there are some coming up in February. HIGHLY RECOMMEND attending! Study with Dr Paul in person is AWESOME and the skills gained will last a lifetime!

Good luck and please write more soon!

Great to hear from you!

Heartofagopi

[cosmicnun]

Thanks for all the great replies and encouragement! I had not brothers (six sisters) and had no positive interactions with grown men until 7 years old, so a lot of what came up in asking the question is just from not having a decent man in the household and not ever having conversations with men about the issue of "good family."

To know that's it's not a disqualifier is quite a relief! And after reading Tony's response, my gut instinct was "I've got enough VA-VA-VOOM in me to tip the scales in my direction." If my particular basket of lemons is something that can be turned into a cause for respect from a man, then I'm all for it.I've certainly earned the title "Self-Made Woman" thus far. Knowing a mans' perspective on that whole "good family" thing really helps.

I must say though, that I am peeved at the notion of men using women for social climbing and status. I can't change that it happens, but it's such a turn-off to me that I've now got to learn to screen for it. When I sat with it for a while, my internal response was "ewwww."

Good thing I asked!