Help!! I Have Skipped Steps With a Guy..... How Can I Undo?

[rex_hanna]

Hey Dr. Paul!

I met a guy at my gym and after we went in a trip together (with him and his best friend) we kind of discovered there was a real chemistry between us....
As I was really into him! But, five weeks ago I was not aware of you fantastic material so I was reckless enough to sleep with him too soon.

We had a conversation and we decided that we will have a non-committed relationship (even if deep inside I wanted something else) and it lasted for about 2 weeks because at some point he did something I considered as being crossing my boundaries (we were suppose to go on a trip and he was suppose to call and say what time, instead he put his best friend to call me and postpone it and lie that his mobile is out of order).....

I send him an SMS with the message that he had crossed my boundaries and as far as I am concerned is GAME OVER.
We saw each other at the gym 3 days later, he said "hey" in a way that seemed arrogant and he had no response from me.... Than, he didn't come to the gym for about 2 weeks, and when we saw each other again he didn't reply to my group salute....
Ever since (for the last 2 weeks) we don't speak to each other at the gym, and he has changed his general mood (he looks sad and preoccupied, and from time to time I notice sad looks from him) but he never came to me to talk or apologize.

So, my question would be how should i behave from now on to put things on the right track with this guy (as I really like him and I shouldn't have had sex so early- there were other signals before breaking up that showed me he likes me and kind of lost his interest!)

Thank you so much!

[eltigre1013]

Hi, thanks for your question. Well, I think if you're patient, there could be some possibility of reconnecting with him down the road a ways. But I think you should give it time. Usually we take the point of view that the only way two people who broke off a relationship or who got off on the wrong foot to begin with can get back together is if there's a passage of time that includes real growth on the part of each person, separately.

So you could get on with your life a little bit, do some learning and talking here in the forums, and really live your life independently of him, even dating other men. At the same time, you sort of have an inking that you'd like to re-approach him, or better yet, have him re-approach you. So, there are some things you can to do shrewdly stay within the same social circles. So that, over time, he's hearing about you from friends. "Oh, I heard she went out a this guy last weekend." or "Oh I saw her last week and she looks good!" or "Oh I heard she got a promotion at work/changed her career/went back to school/traveled through India..."or whatever you're doing for YOURSELF over the next phase of your own growth and development.

Already, you two are both members of the same gym, and you have friends in common. So just keep up those ties. Stay in touch with his friends. And you must do all of this without TRYING or even wanting to win him back. You must sincerely move on with your life and take care of yourself. This cannot be about him. But at the same time, there's nothing wrong with staying close to his social circle just in case there's a possibility you two might become re-acquainted on different terms. Then, it would almost be like meeting a new person and taking it from there (assuming that he's gone through a growth phase of his own....he does sound like he has a tendency toward immaturity and bad boundaries). How much time? That's subjective, but my gut tells me you and he would need 6 months, a year or even longer.

The great thing is that there's no downside to this strategy. If you end up getting together with him again, it will be on fresh terms between two people who have grown and matured since the day they first met. If you two don't end up getting back together, oh well, you've still been living your life, learning, growing, dating, exploring relationships with your friends and family, etc. You lose nothing.

The only danger is falling back into the same pattern with the same guy again. That's why giving it time and making sure that you truly move on is crucial. Meanwhile, you'll strategically stay on his radar over time.

Then...who knows??? Either way, your life will be vibrant and intriguing!!!

Tony Monterastelli
VP/Editor-in-Chief
WomensHappiness.com
773-852-2234

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Never forget this about masculine instincts: if a man is afraid or anxious about something in love and attraction, he has a built in reflex to not complain about worries, not mention them, even to other men, and the most attractive and masculine ones won't tell you either.

So instead, they overcompensate by acting extra "cool" or cold or nonchalant.

It might be the explanation.

The second possibility is a "window of opportunity" where a guy is into you on one occasion - that's the time to act - but later on, too late on, he may have had many social interactions and connections that have pegged you into a different category.

If you get attracted, say or do something IN THE MOMENT.

That's what this thing called Observing Ego is for - to give you alertness and attention at the moment of the unexpected, so that you are empowered to ACT.

Observing Ego is completely discussed and taught in the MindOS Mastery Program at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/mindos

[AtlanaAnna]

Never forget this about masculine instincts: if a man is afraid or anxious about something in love and attraction, he has a built in reflex to not complain about worries, not mention them, even to other men, and the most attractive and masculine ones won't tell you either.

Dr. Paul, I thought this was a very interesting comment. Wouldn't it be ideal if the man could share his fear and worries with the woman they are about? Any suggestions how to make that happen? Or would that be overcontrolling? Thanks..............