Married Ex-husband soliciting sex from me

by **janelje** » Sun Nov 13, 2011 5:07 pm

I thought this would be great for the newsletter......

I have been divorced for 2 years. I share children with my ex and we have a good relationship. He got re-married 3 weeks ago. We attended an event of our daughter's last night sans new wife. After ward he told me how good I looked and if I ever thought about us. In terms of the kids and family, yes I answered. Then he asked if I thought about us intimately. Well I avoided the question by calling him silly etc. He continues to tell me that it is terrible with her and he misses sex with me. He has been having dreams about us for the past 4 months and if I ever wanted to have sex, just let him know. WTF???... is all I can think.

Sorry I don't have an actual "question"....

by **ArtMuse** » Mon Nov 14, 2011 10:35 am

... a bit of 'buyer's remorse' perhaps...?

Since you can't control what is going on in his head, and only how you react to him, simply take it for what it is...a compliment to you. ...and be glad you are not the wife that he is talking about...which is poor boundaries on his part. Kiss and tell...? Wow...it feels bad to read about this, and most likely feels bad to you for a number of reasons, janel. He's disrespecting his new wife, and you feel for her (gender instinct...)...it feels icky.

Disregard the comments, or if it really bothers you, rally the courage to suggest he have a conversation with his new wife about this initmate detail, and work it out with her. Change the subject if he continues to have conversations like this with you, and put the focus on the responsibility of your joint children. Any other topic is really moot and inappropriate. It does not sound like there is any kind of 'friendship' between the two of you...is there?

by **eltigre1013** » Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:11 pm

Thanks for writing in! Wow, that's a sucky situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it, because I sense from your letter that you've put a lot of effort into getting past your previous marriage, getting on with life and focusing on raising the kids together, etc. Now, we gets remarried...and he springs this on you??!! It's got to be beyond frustrating.

You're right...WTF? And ArtMuse poses good questions here, such as...are you friends? You don't necessarily have to be friends with somebody to raise kids with that person. And now, his overture would make it nearly impossible to be close friends with him. You don't have to be friends but you do have to continue to team up with him to raise the kids.

You've given just a little bit of information in your note, so let me through out a few things that might lend some insight. You know him better than us, so you can sort out how much applies to your situation:

Boundaries - I'll echo ArtMuse and say this is mostly a boundary issue. When somebody behaves badly toward us, we can set a boundary with the other person that minimizes the impact. ArtMuse has a nice suggestion, take it as a compliment, good. It's great that he is already married, that sets up a natural boundary. You only need to deal with him insofar as it matters for raising your kids. Two things really help here, TIME and DISTANCE. Don't respond, and just let the time passage do the talking for you. And maintain distance from him. If you can logistically arrange your life and your meetings with him so that other people, like the children, are present, then he will have fewer opportunities to corner you with a sexual advance. Going forward, the opportunities will be so few and far between that, if he does venture to say something again, you can just ignore it, again, and let the time and distance do the talking.

Boundaries are covered in MindOS Mastery http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/ ... st-destiny

Without being an apologist for his bad behavior and lack of boundaries, here are a few more aspect that might give you some insight into why a man would do such a thing:

by **eltigre1013** » Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:28 pm

Without being an apologist for his bad behavior and lack of boundaries, here's another aspect that might give you some insight into why a man would do such a thing:

Step three of sexual attraction If step three of sexual attraction was not present as much in your marriage, then your divorce might have rekindled the testing phase of sexual attraction. Once again, you are a prize to be won. This is the reason why men sometimes find themselves desiring an ex-girlfriend again immediately after break-up. However, it makes more sense immediately after divorce, rather than immediately after his marrying another woman. Yep, there's no doubt he's got bad boundaries. Yikes! Step three of sexual attraction is covered in the Seventh Sense Program http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/ ... se-program