New boyfriend still living with his ex-wife part time

[qtwondering]

I met a great guy a few months ago, and we started dating and talking, texting often - every day now. He is very caring, protective and tender towards me, and I've met his guy friends and a few of his women friends as well. I've been seeing him Friday, Saturdays nights, and just had my first sleep over. I park in the front of the place, there is no driveway. When I asked about her, he told me staight that she is still living there. First I was pretty surprised, but then I've been cool about it. He said they were together for 10 years, the relationship is over, just sort of run it's course and they are still good friends. They've agreed to share the house, and she sleeps in a separate bedroom. It very nice, hill top, views, and they designed it together, she designed the furniture. He said that she was coming over on Sunday to stay over a few days and she does it whenever she works in the area as an instructor. He sort of lets me look around the place, encourages me a bit, leaving me alone, leaving the doors open and I see it is as he said, though she does have make up in the extra bathroom, including some false eye lashes, and even a long wig on her bedroom dresser - so I doubt it is only for work that she is in the area. Her closet is built out, and his is quite tiny, so it makes me think that they always planned to have separate rooms? It was on the market briefly, and then it was withdrawn, so maybe she just chose to live in the one that has the big closet. They are on the same floor, I asked him if they have sex, and he said no, that they are just friends now. I do trust him quite a trust, and feel that he would never deliberately hurt me. He is respectful of me, and put some effort into getting my attention. When we kiss, softly he said he loved me several times, without me prompting him. He wants to see me more often than I have time for, and he worries that I will find some other guy. One of his guy friends even asked me out, and if we don't text or talk all day, he will contact me, wanting to see me, asking am I out, what am I doing, etc. He said, you will forget, I promised that I would not. Then he said I am your date, I repeated "you are my date" it's sort of early to use other terms.

One of the odd little things is that he told me to get socks out of his drawer because my feet will get cold, and there was a very small one in the drawer that with all of his huge socks. I put them on, because they fit perfectly, and showed and told him, these are someone else's socks, and it was obvious - but he said, no they are my socks. I let it go after he said it several times. He said the other ones are thicker, and I said these fit. I am wondering if they still do their laundry together ? Is she leaving signs out for other women to see? He used the term ex-wife - I haven't yet asked the big one, is he though the divorce or just separated?

I do feel very safe with him, and I see him enough, the contact is enough that makes me content and I do feel adored. He does travel a lot, and will be away for several months coming up soon. I do not get the sense that he is a flirt or all over the map emotionally. He acts quite devoted so far. Am I being too trusting? I don't trust people that easily, and have good instincts. He wants to come to my work, to see everything - and is interested in knowing about me and my life, schedule, etc. So far, they have not spent Friday, Sat or holidays together cause I've been out with him, or over at the home. She stays with her family part of the time, which is way across town. He told me generally about the break up, and word for word about when they decided to share the house, and I believe him. Generally, he is straight forward, honest, practical, not a flirt, player type at all. I've screen him for intention many times, and they are genuine. What do you think?

[heartofagopi]

Hello!
Welcome!

You ask what WE think....but I would like to empower YOU.

What do YOU think????

I'm not asking you to make up stories and scare yourself with "what if" fiction.

YOU only have so much information....From the information you have:

Ask yourself if this imperfect situation is something YOU like?? For example, if you crave pasta and really wish you had some fresh basil and pine nuts and parmesean in the house....BUT you find that you only have a can of spaghetti Os....would you eat them?

The answer might be YES if you were hungry. Or... YES if you thought it would be fun and retro feeling. OR...absolutely NOT...never...unless I would be starving.

We need to know YOUR PREFERENCES, your boundaries AND """IF""""" you often feel comfortable in your boundaries....or IF you have boundary holes and regrets later.

You have a situation that is not ideal....but we ALL know about the housing market and many of us may be living such a challenge. This story is no longer RARE....there are hundreds of couples who want to divorce, can't afford it because of joint property, joint health insurance etc. So, this is not some strange scenario.

YOU have to decide though how much you want to risk in terms of your ideal and what you have on your plate. Personally, I would feel to tell a man what I want, what I like and smile as if...you know...he CAN rise up to meet the challenge and find a way victoriously to let you have that basil pesto pasta just the way you like it and at the very oceanside table with the white table cloth and the white gardenia floating in that little crystal bowl.

My vote would be for you to know and feel what you want, express it freely with all confidence that he will delight in attempting to grant your wish...

And see what happens.

Its NOT an ultimatum.

Its an opportunity!

Hope this helps.

How do you WANT it to be? Do you want to have to be suspicious of ....socks?

Love,

Heart

[ArtMuse]

Hi qtwondering ~

Welcome back to the forum.

Love heart's post ~ Spaghettio's are suspect in my opinion....!
"...franc-oh American...UH oh....spaghettios!"

Question for you: you state you began dating this fellow a 'few months ago'.
How many times have you seen each other face-to-face, in-person?
That is the length of your courtship thus far.

Where do you normally go for dates? (he does take you out on regular dates, yes..?)

Set aside your physical attraction for this man for a moment
Get a 10,000 foot perspective.
Let your higher brain have a go at the situation, and the relevant details:
such as the sock drawer, and the make-up and wig in the guest bath.
Why be afraid of asking about these items, or his marital status, eg: Divorced? Legally separated?
If you are hesitant to ask him these questions, ask yourself why you are afraid to hear the answer.

Then consider how it made you feel, that first reaction, to finding the socks.
That reaction is your internal radar. Listen to it.

I'm sure he is a very nice man ~ however...nice doesn't automatically mean the best, most mature fit for you.

This is it! This is the time for us as women when the "rubber meets the road" so to speak. No matter how uncomfortable, or how much you don't want to look this in the eye, this is when observing ego is needed most.

Don't be a sock puppet. Be true to you.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... ock+puppet
(see definition 2:2)



You can still enjoy his time and company and attention while maintaining your goals for personal fulfillment.
Are you dating others?

[qtwondering]

heartofagopi, Thank you for the great advice, so true! It should really only matter what I want out of it, and if it is enough...

I do think there I should just put a "hold" on it because he didn't contact me yesterday, which I do think normally he would have if she wasn't around him at his home. Also, I got him a personal care product, but told him I will bring it back next time because I didn't want her to see it. I don't want to arouse her possessiveness, after all is it her home too. It is complicating matters, and effecting things with how he and I interact. I wonder if they are not yet divorced? I think I want to ask him and be clear where this is... If they are not, I will back off. If they are, I will put all in a holding pattern until they sell the house...

Thank you again for pointing out that it's important to be clear to him about what is and is not acceptable to me personally !!

[qtwondering]

ArtMuse, thank you for your insights and comments. In January he contacted me, I met him mid-March, then again toward the end of April casually. Our first date was the first Saturday of May, then he was contacting and asking me out several times, before we went on a second date mid-May. We went out six times before I stayed over, clothes stayed on the entire time. Yes, of course he takes me out on regular dates, movies, dinner, drinks, met his friends, hiking, bbq. Not afraid to ask him at all, we have very direct communication with each other. I went with him to shut down the lights etc. He was checking his phone, and was like if you don't trust me, what are you doing here? Go upstairs. So I did, lol. There is some native trust of each other there, it's always been this way since we met. It has much to do with why I got closer to him. I wasn't too concerned about the socks, just wanted to point it out to him. Maybe they do wash or dry dark colors together but they've done it before, can't really get too upset about it. Not really, anything just that they are very close obviously. I do and go whatever I want, and he knows it.

They did have the house on the market, so clearly a break up is or has been in place for quite some time as he said. There are going to be minor hiccups etc and I will keep my eyes open for sure. I don't have to know everything right now, but will ask the question before this moves on. I didn't go too far, trust me, and have no plans to get myself hurt or in too deep. I don't need an explanation about her vanity items, it's her house. She is one of the owners, on paper. He said they decided to "share the house." Though, she could be a nut case for all I know, I'm think not but it's good to stay aware and informed and I will talk to him about that.

Thanks a bunch! Good questions for me to think about, and have clarity about. Wholeheartedly, I believe and will always try to live your comment, "No matter how uncomfortable, or how much you don't want to look this in the eye, this is when observing ego is needed most."

[qtwondering]

Update:

Dating for 7 weeks, every Saturday night, except one because I was busy. Known me 6 months, chasing me monthly, then weekly, then daily, until he is busy because he is working for 3 months in another country, verified as true. He has a lot of prep work to do for the project, as well as moving out completely out of his house (renting out), and getting other things in order before his trip.

Thing is he use to worry daily that I would find someone, now he hasn't been in contact with me for a week, not even a text. He sent last one the day after I was out late to be sure I was home in the morning, so we did agree to be exclusive though we are too new to be open couple to public. That is more my idea...

When I inquired, he would text: Don't be silly, just very busy. And when we talked he would say the same, saying when we would see each again, but not say when... though he did treat me respectfully. He leaves in about 10 days. It seems like it is too new for him to be so relaxed.

Also, he is divorced 1 year, after 10 year relationship he is see her often as they own the home together, that they will rented out. He was happy to make that annoucement to me. The furniture, TV was moved out, etc.

He is a gentleman, but is he taking me for granted already? I have slept over twice, but not all the way.

[janiceh]

Hi qtwondering,

It's about a week since you made that post, so I suspect things have moved on a bit. Now only a few days before he goes?

7 weeks is very early in the dating process and with a 3 month separation looming, new job/project on his mind, I suspect he's focusing on that, rather than a thing he's got going on at home. It may feel like he's taking you for granted, but it's possible his focus has simply shifted and his 'commitment' is now more strongly geared to his new project. 3 months is a long time to be apart, especially in the midst of all that going on.

Personally I would not have high expectations of it all. Get on with your own life and see what happens during the 3 months apart from each other. He'll likely be very engrossed in his work.

Also, he's only been divorced for a year and is still very close to his wife. I suspect he is starting to feel the benefits of being a free man, starting to let go of an 'old' life and exploring a new one. Whether you'll be part of that new life will depend on many, many things. But I'd imagine he's going to need this time to establish and BE who he is without wife in tow.

That's probably not what you want to hear, and apologies for the bluntness, but I'd strongly recommend you re-focus on your life and what you're going to be doing over the 3 months, rather than stressing over him. Only time will tell...and that's where patience and wisdom come in.

[heartofagopi]

Hi...

I agree with Janice.

Its all still new enough.
Don't get your hopes too high and be too easy to find.

He may be fully absorbed with his Career. Remember men feel more masculine when they immerse themselves in career. So, its not a good time to ask questions like "Do you still love me?" He's gearing up for a big career life transforming moment and THAT could be his #1 "love" right now. Don't try to compete with "IT" or you will lose.

If he calls, ask him tons of stuff about the job. Be thrilled and tell him how much you admire him and how impressive it is that he landed this awesome opportunity. Tell him its perfect in EVERY way.

Then see if he brings up the point of what may be missing in the perfection ....YOU not being there.

It has to be HIM realizing that. Its annoying, of course, if we point that out.

But all in all....have in your mind that at any moment you could date someone else and life's happiness does not go away if this man is not forever in your life. He may be a great guy. He may have chased you. But he has to keep up his own passionate chase.

Its either there....or not.

Use your observing ego and watch the show letting go of the outcome.

Let us know how its going.

Heart