Should I report my boyfriend if he is dishonest?

[kimbea39]

My boyfriend was unemployed for 1 1/2 years and became eligible to receive food stamps and medicaid due to having no job and having 2 dependents living with him. As of June 2011 he began working again. His income is over the limit to receive food stamps any longer.

I called Social Services and the man told me that he will receive an application in the mail in August to update them on his financial and job status. IF he tells the truth on the application, they will send him a letter telling him that he will no longer be eligible for food stamps by October 1, 2011. If he lies on the application he will continue receiving food stamps until Social Services finds out that he is working and is over qualified.

IF he lies on his application, would it be inappropriate for me to report him to Social Services?

We have been dating for 2 years, but I don't feel like he should receive food stamps any longer if his income is over the limit.

Should I report him if he lies on his application or should I not report him?


Kim

[Paul Dobransky MD]

It's an unusual question of course, and one must remember that this is not a legal advice site, nor does it constitute medical treatment.

I think many women here might be thinking about your own boundaries, and "what are your limits" on wrongful behavior that can reflect on or affect YOU?

One might think you could discuss it with him, and express what your views are, what it would mean for your relationship, and what the consequences would be that you will do if he doesn't go along with what makes you comfortable being with him.

Some women here might also wonder if you are wanting to break up with him and whether this considering whether to "report him" might also be a way of indirectly doing so and not directly discussing it.

[heartofagopi]

Dr. Paul voiced my concerns exactly!

The use of the word "should" here is our red ALERT that there is a boundary issue here.

If you see the man's actions as offensive to your code of ethics that is fine. His actions would not be something I would admire either. So, the next step is to either screen him out and walk away OR carefully express that in a conversation. By carefully, I mean, you can tell him how you "feel" about something, but not what HE SHOULD do. That point is up to him.

Then, if he expresses an answer which does not make you wish to remain with him as a partner. You choose to leave.

If you feel an urge to be a Policewoman here, you may ask yourself about that for a while. While we may like to report illegal activities and it is our right to, try to find out whether inspiring him to be ethical isn't a higher road?

Some of us have an "Inner Tattletale Archetype" left over from childhood. The tattletale really wasn't trying to create classroom harmony or HELP another child who did wrong learn how to do right. The tattletale wanted to get negative attention and used righteousness as an illusion for gaining power over others.

We want you to personally grow here. So, we break down the question and explore the thoughts.

If it was a question of right or wrong behaviour of the man....that would be easy. But you are asking about YOUR behaviour. This is about YOU and what you want here.

Hope that makes sense. Let's continue the conversation and see how you feel exploring the parts.

Heart

[kimbea39]

In my last email I forgot to mention that one of his kids moved out on his own, so that leaves the 18 year old child at home.

I've tried telling him last month that he shouldn't be eligible for food stamps any longer. He told me that until his 18 year old turns 21, he is still eligible. Then he told me that until his employer actually pays him $30,000 he is still entitled to food stamps. I told him that that makes no sense because if he accepted a job that pays $50,000 per year, that until he actually gets paid $30,000, it makes no sense to me. I hope he is not telling me that to convince me otherwise so I'll believe him.

I asked Social Services about it and they said he was incorrect and that he is over qualified based on his income.

I hope he does what is right and reports his income truthfully to them. If so, he will realize that he misunderstood how the program works if they cancel the food stamps with him.

[kimbea39]

Whenever I do discuss finances with him he gets mad at me and doesn't want to talk about it.

So by asking him questions about his finances or talking about food stamps he tells me he doesn't want to discuss it.

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Yes, again, remember this is not a legal advice center. You want to go talk to that kind of service. As far as what we talk about here it would all have to do with boundaries. If you are with a man whom you don't approve of, or who won't talk about important things that make a relationship work and feel safe, then one has to wonder why you are together, right? So you would need to decide for yourself what your "limits" are in any given relationship.

[kimbea39]

Thanks for helping me make sense of it. What you said all makes sense to me.

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Ok. There's a lot to learn about what makes men tick of course, but that definitely doesn't mean that you control any individual man. One can choose a man well in the first place, break up, communicate if that works, but NEVER "control" a man.

The one in question whom you mention sounds very difficult to reach, and does some questionable things according to you. So that means the situation is way beyond our ability here to give "tips on communicating" for example. If someone won't talk or listen, there's not much communicating that can be done.

Boundaries are all covered in the MindOS Mastery Program:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/mindos

And all of romance in its steps and phases of growth (to assess compatibility with a man, as well as his character and maturity) are in the Seventh Sense Program:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/courses/seventh-sense-program

[ArtMuse]

Kimbea ~

Give us an update on how things are going for you in this scenario.
No doubt you are feeling quite a bit of anxiety over the whole situation, it's implications on your relationship and living arrangements, and the possibility of CHANGE.
Scary, isn't it?
Kimbea, we cannot GROW without Change.
You are here because you are ready to learn about yourself, and you are investigating in that process of growth, of change.

Do you journal?
Perhaps you could sit down one afternoon, or morning, or a time when you have quiet and alone time for yourself, and write down a list of things that are all about what kimbea would enjoy having in life.

Feeling safe and secure in your home.
Having a relationship that provides joy and happiness to you.
A boyfriend who respects you; a boyfriend who makes good, legal decisions with his life.

Just write them down. Everything that comes to mind.
You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself.
You might find that some of these things that you do not currently have make you a bit...angry.

It's a place to start in determining what You want for your SELF, to identify, articulate, and determine Preferences for yourself and your life. In doing so, you will find that you must look at your own Boundaries, and what part you have played in how things are, how they have been, and how you can direct your life moving forward.
If you don't already have any of Dr. Paul's materials, do consider investing in at least MindOS.
You've joined us here, and there is much to gain even if you only invest in the newsletter, or the forum month to month (which includes teleseminars for you to participate in or download for later listening).
Regardless, we'd like you to stay, and grow, together with us here at womenshappiness.com

[kimbea39]

I already have the Seventh Sense DVD's and the MindOS ebook.

I need to reread the MindOS ebook again to help me with my boundaries.

In the past I have told him many times that in order for us to ever be married, he needs to get off the food stamps and medicaid because if we were to marry, he would no longer qualify because of my income. So now that he has a job that he can afford to buy groceries for him and his daughter, he isn't too anxious to give up $400 per month of free groceries. But that doesn't say too much about his character to be willing to continue living on welfare. He used to ask me a lot to marry him and I told him not until he gets himself financially on his feet again. He still has a ways to go in the financial department.

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Well there you go.

Wow, I also notice this is the "mailbag" category, which is supposed to just be a drop box for consideration for the newsletters. Oops! Broke my own rule. Where we need to cover back and forth issues would then more rightfully be in the ONLINE COACHING category, HERE:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/forum/online-coaching-f44.html

Thanks!

[janiceh]

Hi Kimbea,

I thought I'd shove my oar in here, having followed this thread and your story for a while.

I'm assuming this is the same man you wrote to us some time ago who was out of work then and showing no signs of wanting to work? Sounds like the same guy, but correct me if wrong. My post is based on that assumption, however.

Looking at this big picture, this is what I see.

You are with a man who has fairly consistently shown you to not be a good 'bet' in terms of managing his finances, his work situation, having a mission etc. You do not like this about him, and no arguments there!

However, he clearly must have some redeeming features or one would assume you would not still be with him. Nevertheless, it strikes me that you are staying with this man EVEN THOUGH he has a fairly significant aspect of his character/attitude that YOU DO NOT LIKE and does not reflect a man who you could RELY ON as a husband/father in terms of providing for your family, providing security etc.

So you seem to be setting about changing that aspect of who he is. You are telling him what he 'should' do and 'shouldn't' do, you are interfering with his financial decisions, you resent him borrowing your stuff (and yet don't say no).

My questions to you are these. Why are you with this man? Why are you wasting your time, energy and resources on trying to change him? Why do you think you could not find someone more suited to you? Why do you feel as though you have the 'right' to tell him what to do with his finances? For how long does he have to consistently show you with his actions that he is not particularly interested in improving his financial status or building a better life for himself? WHY HAVE YOU NOT LEFT HIM????

As far as I understand you do not live together. Therefore, your interest in his financial management and activities are in some respects none of your business. They do not affect you personally at this point in time other than his ability to afford to take you out or whatever. (I'm assuming you don't still lend him money and if you do then, frankly, that is your OWN doing and you need to stop.) If you DO live together, then that's another story and apologies for getting that wrong.

Are you not, in fact, asking him/trying to force him to be a 'better' man so that you CAN marry him? So that you feel he's OK as a marriage candidate? How long are you going to attempt that before you accept that he may NEVER be that man? Or....that he can only be that man when HE decides that's the man he wants to be?

Like everyone else, I see huge boundary issues in your own behaviour towards him. You don't say NO clearly enough. You invade HIS boundaries by telling him what he should and shouldn't be doing. You waste your time and emotional energy on worrying about what are HIS responsibilities. You seem to spend time blaming HIM because he has no respect for your stuff (for YOU) etc., and yet continue to allow him to do it.

So yes, MindOS is important to you, but so is Seventh Sense and I suggest you revisit BOTH of them in depth. MindOS to understand about boundaries, both yours AND his, and Seventh Sense to understand about screening men and making wise choices about a suitable partner for you, not to mention understanding the importance of a man who has a mission and who is in touch with his own masculinity. I doubt very much that a man who is 'dependent' on others to the extent he is feels truly masculine. It might be an easier life for him and he might be one of those who feels 'entitled' to hand-outs all over the place, but in his inner self, he likely doesn't feel all that good about himself.

I'm sorry to be harsh on this, but the ins and outs of him borrowing your lawnmower or claiming food stamps are simply symptoms of a much bigger issue and I think you need to stand back and have a very good look at what you want in a man, what he offers and what you're going to do about that. The longer you stay with him trying to mould him into what you ACTUALLY want, the longer you are closing yourself off to actually FINDING what you want without all that effort and stress.

[kimbea39]

Everything that everyone is telling me makes complete sense. Bottom line: I need to have a back bone when I tell him "no" and let him walk away mad and be firm with my answer, mainly about borrowing my car and money.

This is the same man that I've been seeing for 2 years now. We do not live together. This is the same man that borrowed money from me, then paid me back in January 2010, then in March 2010 began borrowing money from me and to date still owes me money, which he is almost finished paying me back. It has been a long and drawn out time to be paying me back. This is the same man that finally got a job in June 2011 after being unemployed for 1 1/2 years and not looking for a job the entire time.

This is what I had envisioned to happen once he got a job. I figured he would get his car back on the road instead of borrowing mine 1 - 2 times per month, I figured he would fix his lawn mower, I figured he would pay me back ASAP the money he still owes me, I figured he would get off the food stamps and medicaid. I've also had many talks to him about the importance of saving his money for retirement one day or for a rainy day for whatever he needs instead of depending on my finances to bail him out of whatever comes along in life.

Now that he is working (for 2 months now), he is slowly paying me back, he still has no car on the road, he isn't showing anything for his money. He has no mortgage payment because his grandmother left him the house. All he has to pay is approximately $200 or less per month in utilities and doesn't have to buy groceries. His monthly gross income is about $2,200. That leaves him about $2,000 per month to save or spend on whatever he needs.

I thought by him getting a job would get him back on his feet financially so he could show me that he can be financially independent and do for himself since that is important to me. Since he has been working, I haven't seen him spend money on anything, still no car or anything else he needs for himself. The people that he works for takes him home every evening, so I guess he feels like he really doesn't need the expense of a car.

Recently I have expressed my concerns about my feelings about if he wants to marry me, he needs to get his finances straight and show me that he can budget and save so all the burden doesn't fall back on me to financially support him down the road.

Last week he told me that until he gets his car on the road, he will continue using mine. I told him there is no reason why he can't get his car on the road now since I know he can afford it. (I really don't think he wants the expense of a car if he can get his parents to drive him to the store and borrow my car to take care of "monkey business" without me being allowed to go with him.)

Yesterday I told him that if he was saving his money for retirement or showing more responsibility with it, I would be proud of him. I asked him if he was saving it because if he was, I would be proud of him. He became irritated with me and told me he does not want to discuss it. I told him that I feel that there is no reason why he can't at least get his car on the road and stop borrowing mine.

But the next time he does ask to borrow my car and I'm not allowed to go with him, the answer is "no", no matter how mad he becomes. Frankly, I've had enough of him leaning on me for my car whenever he wants it, which is 1 - 2 times per month.

He still owes me money, which he is dragging it out. I hope to be back back by mid September.

But the reasons why I'm concerned so much about his finances is because he has always borrowed money from me when he wasn't on food stamps, then quits his job, then gets a job. I really don't want to financially support a man and I would feel more comfortable if he was more open about his finances and if he is saving, that would be awesome because I need that financial security from him in order to feel comfortable enough to consider marrying him, but if he doesn't want to discuss with me whether or not he is saving when he isn't doing anything else with his finances, it makes me feel uncomfortable about marrying him.

Yesterday he told me that he wouldn't care if I never saved a dime and spent all of my money, it would not bother him at all. I find that hard to believe from any man.

Am I wrong for wanting to feel financial security from the man that I want to marry? If not, am I going about this the wrong way by asking him if he is saving because if he is, I am proud of him? How do I approach it?

His actions haven't spoken good about his finances in the past, but now when I know he should be able to save, he will not discuss it with me.

He knows that I can stand on my feet financially because I am very independent and have never asked for money and have always taken care of my own finances. Therefore, that makes him feel comfortable with me.

[heartofagopi]

IHi! Let's move this discussion to the ONLINE COACHING section as Dr Paul suggested.

You have mentioned several times that you are uncomfortable marrying someone who does not have similar ethics to yours.

Let us help you discover how many times you have expressed that already before you walk down the aisle to be legally bound to this man.

Please re-post your question in ONLINE COACHING. You own Dr Paul's programs so I assume you are a member here?

Heart

[kimbea39]

Even though I have bought some of Dr. Paul's materials in the past, I'm not a member of the online coaching.

I suppose this problem became more lengthy than I expected it to become.

Thanks for everyone's suggestions.