Shyness ....what to say to a stranger?

[jewelee1]

Hello Dr Paul,

First of all I must say,I'm a fan...I love the intuitive insightful way you explain the dance between men and women...!

I wanted to ask you about any suggestions you have in regards to shyness.

Let me give you some background on my situation...
I am a canadian woman living in Hong Kong, China and have been for a year now.

Being an expat here, I find it very difficult to meet men, asian men don't seem too attracted to caucasian women and to make friends in general.

I have a couple of friends but we can only get together every couple months. I do live in the city, in Kowloon but it can be lonely because my work schedule is not flexible and I must work pn the weekends so I miss out on a lot of things.

I am now finding that I'm attracted to asian men, especially japanese men.

Anyways, tonight I was on the subway and this attractive japanese man got on.
I was attracted to him immediately, I moved closer to him as I wasn't in a position he could see me...but not right beside him as there were other people in the way....my heart was pounding so loud and fast, in my ears all I could do was make very subtle glances at him.

We both got off at the same stop, he then moved right beside me as the doors opened. I know I was in my reptilian brain at this point, and it was as if my brain shut down! I couldn't think!

I waited for the next train and lost track of him...the stop before mine, the crowd got off and then I saw him...he popped out all of a sudden as if to say "Here I am!" He moved closer to me...he was obviously shy too.

We both got off at the same stop and he got on the escalator and was right in front of me, once we got off he seemed to me to be walking very deliberately slow. We then parted ways. In that moment I couldn't think of what to do or say!
Maybe I'm not observing my ego....

It has happened once before with another japanese man...a police officer, no less!But it was even worst than this one..I couldn't breathe as he was standing so close to me and again my mind shut down....

It's partly shyness I know, what to say to a stranger on the subway or anywhere but I don't think that's all of it...

I am quite capable of making small talk with other people. And I recently met another japanese man through an online website ( I know, what you say about about them!) and when we met I know I wasn't attracted to him physically but we talked for almost two hours non stop...we connected on a friendship level but that's it....

I know I'm going to have step up and do something because japanese men are quite shy too! I just want to kick myself for missing out on this opportunity, since they don't happen very often for me!

I took the KWML quiz and read the book, I'm 31% Warrior and 31% Queen...
this is why I feel so ridiculously helpless, like a child...not the grown confident woman I really am!

Is there anything you can suggest me to do or offer any advice! I would appreciate it very much!


Julie

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Thanks for joining, posting and using this valuable resources.

There's a lot in your question.

First off there's rectifying being an ex-pat, living in Asian culture(s) and deciding what you want, instinctually going for what you are attracted to.

Secondly there's the issue of personality style and what good matches are for you right out of the box. See http://apps.facebook.com/kwmlpersonality/

It's awesome.

If you were to put together the Seventh Sense Program and the KWML Mastery Program you'd find something interesting - an interplay between how personality styles (which matter LATER, AFTER sexual attraction takes root) can actually impede us meeting the WRONG person even at the very earliest contact.

What do I mean by this?

Well if you are a shy person, and also standing to reason, potentially a Lover personality style (possible for other personality styles to be shy too, like a Queen or Warrior, though probably not a Magician), yet notice men who are ALSO shy by nature...

...if the men's shyness is a feature of CULTURE, that can be overcome by you getting more assertive and also facing the fear of approaching them using courage - all of which I cover in MindOS.

But if the men you notice are shy as a feature of inherent PERSONALITY, aka they are Lovers and so are you - then it is not a good way to start a relationship or even dating situation with someone also naturally shy.

We work together in dating to amplify each other's lives and skills. So another Lover is not the guy for you. You would want a Warrior male if you are a Lover - someone to draw you out of your shyness and a naturally courageous person who doesn't mind starting conversation.

Which brings us to culture.

If you knew you preferred say other Canadians or westerners in general (of any ethnicity), then I'd wonder about the high importance of social environment choices. For example the very first thing that popped to mind was "Why doesn't she volunteer on weekends for a Westerner tour organization or tourist company, so she can meet a ton of Western tourists, some of whom might actually be living long term in Kowloon?"

By the way I've been there and it's nice. I studied there as a student. Cosmopolitan city to be sure. Which confirms for me that like NYC, it's likely more a problem of social local environment choice than of being in an Asian culture itself. It's not like you live in rural Guilien (sp?) or on a farm.

Think of environments outside your comfort zone, like nightclubs and tourist activities instead of public transportation - where on top of culture, the simple fact of difficult comings and goings are happening at every stop.

And that the definition of courage is "doing the right thing even if it's uncomfortable."

The right thing to do is more assertively going after what you want, and in an environment of more assertive people of any ethnicity.

MindOS (for boundaries, anxiety map and anger map) is at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/mindos

KWML (for personality style matching, friendship, emotional attraction) is at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/kwml

... and free testing is at both http://www.kwml.com and direct on facebook at http://ww.apps.facebook/kwmlpersonality

And the Seventh Sense which covers top to bottom everything about human courtship is at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/seventh-sense-program

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Also please download and use the FREE companion to the Seventh Sense Program that amounts to a free "dating coach by ipod" - called the Girl's Night Out Dating and Attraction Workshop.

It's at the front of the http://www.womenshappiness.com site and comes with a FREE MONTH of this forum and teleseminars when you download part ii.

It has lots of ideas for helping the man come out of his shell and engage with you...

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Thanks for joining, posting and using this valuable resources.

There's a lot in your question.

First off there's rectifying being an ex-pat, living in Asian culture(s) and deciding what you want, instinctually going for what you are attracted to.

Secondly there's the issue of personality style and what good matches are for you right out of the box. See http://apps.facebook.com/kwmlpersonality/

It's awesome.

If you were to put together the Seventh Sense Program and the KWML Mastery Program you'd find something interesting - an interplay between how personality styles (which matter LATER, AFTER sexual attraction takes root) can actually impede us meeting the WRONG person even at the very earliest contact.

What do I mean by this?

Well if you are a shy person, and also standing to reason, potentially a Lover personality style (possible for other personality styles to be shy too, like a Queen or Warrior, though probably not a Magician), yet notice men who are ALSO shy by nature...

...if the men's shyness is a feature of CULTURE, that can be overcome by you getting more assertive and also facing the fear of approaching them using courage - all of which I cover in MindOS.

But if the men you notice are shy as a feature of inherent PERSONALITY, aka they are Lovers and so are you - then it is not a good way to start a relationship or even dating situation with someone also naturally shy.

We work together in dating to amplify each other's lives and skills. So another Lover is not the guy for you. You would want a Warrior male if you are a Lover - someone to draw you out of your shyness and a naturally courageous person who doesn't mind starting conversation.

Which brings us to culture.

If you knew you preferred say other Canadians or westerners in general (of any ethnicity), then I'd wonder about the high importance of social environment choices. For example the very first thing that popped to mind was "Why doesn't she volunteer on weekends for a Westerner tour organization or tourist company, so she can meet a ton of Western tourists, some of whom might actually be living long term in Kowloon?"

By the way I've been there and it's nice. I studied there as a student. Cosmopolitan city to be sure. Which confirms for me that like NYC, it's likely more a problem of social local environment choice than of being in an Asian culture itself. It's not like you live in rural Guilien (sp?) or on a farm.

Think of environments outside your comfort zone, like nightclubs and tourist activities instead of public transportation - where on top of culture, the simple fact of difficult comings and goings are happening at every stop.

And that the definition of courage is "doing the right thing even if it's uncomfortable."

The right thing to do is more assertively going after what you want, and in an environment of more assertive people of any ethnicity.

MindOS (for boundaries, anxiety map and anger map) is at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/mindos

KWML (for personality style matching, friendship, emotional attraction) is at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/kwml

... and free testing is at both http://www.kwml.com and direct on facebook at http://ww.apps.facebook/kwmlpersonality

And the Seventh Sense which covers top to bottom everything about human courtship is at:

http://www.womenshappiness.com/seventh-sense-program

[jewelee1]

Hi Dr Paul,

Wow, thank you so much for the quick response!

I have been listening to the Girl's Night Out Dating and Attraction Workshop Part 1 and 2. Whew! I got through it..and I know I will have to listen to it several times more to make sure I absorb it all...I think this should have be taught when I was younger!

It's quite interesting to listen to...I found myself nodding my head in affirmation of the things you say about body language and why I'm attracted to him...and it's so amazing...I recognised the steps in my interactions with these two men! And I know I have to keep working on it, to meet the things that challenges me through out my life to get what I want and to continue to grow as an individual!

I came in Hong Kong with my warrior traits intact and determined to meet my short and long term goals, however due to cultural adjustments I've realized my perspective is continuely broadening.

I wasn't in the less attracted to asian men, before coming to Asia, much less knowing the difference between chinese and japanese features. Now the flip side being I am no longer attracted to western men!

Being dominantly warrior and queen ...I do find I am strongly attracted to lover type guys, however I think the police officer was a warrior type with some lover traits which made him even more attractive to me! I believe the men I'm drawn to are shy due to their CULTRAL background...so I need to it step up myself!

You're right HK, is cosmopolitan...it's a great country and in my opinion the best in China! Thanks for the example of how to get out there to meet men here in Kowloon. I know there are japanese people living in Hum Hung in Kowloon, I'll just have to twist it somehow to meet japanese men....hmmmm, I'll have to think about it..

And I completely understand why you are advising me to out go outside my comfort zone, like nightclubs and tourist activities, but I feel meeting men at a nightclub is not a good place to meet a man who is looking for a serious relationship...nightclubs are infamously known for a place for hook ups...this is not what I am looking for....I'd love to meet a man anywhere but!

Any more thoughts about this?

I also have a question regarding KWML, are you saying that a warrior type man with lover qualities will not be compatible with me at all because of my warrior and queen traits?

I am going to be observing my ego when in a situation like this again, be more assertive and remember "The definition of courage is doing the right thing even if it's uncomfortable."

Which other program would you recommend due to my circumstances?

Thank you so much for your insight and professional advice!
You're awesome! I'm so glad you're here to help us women sort though this confessing countship process!


Warm regards,

Julie

[Paul Dobransky MD]

Sure, some quick thoughts on these are here:

Clubs? Ok, if you don't like them ok. But... the reason for not liking them ought to not be because "you can't meet a good man there" or a serious man or committed man. Not true.

Men need to go where women are and where women like to be. Same for women. Men sometimes like clubs because they suspect that's where a maximum number of women ARE. They think statistically, like hunters at times, which is not to say they are ALL after only one thing. Many only want to have a CHANCE to find a large number of women, out of which there might be a couple who might be a fit as a girlfriend or more.

So don't think like a woman only, when thinking of where men may be - they are probably where men LIKE to be, which is often different from where women like to be. go half way. Consider the tourist stuff at least.

As to Warrior-Lovers, there is no such thing in my system. One is either one or the other, or can be a combination of two ADJACENT personality types - King/Lover, Lover/Magician or Magician/Warrior or Warrior/King.

But NOT opposites. This is all explained in KWML Mastery at http://www.womenshappiness.com/kwml

In short, when one is pegged as possibly a Warrior with Lover traits or possibly a Lover with Warrior traits, it's that there is some narcissism (immaturity) in the person. Kids "wish" to be what they are not when they grow up. They don't want to thing about doing the labor involved in REALLY growing the skills they lack.

Same for adults. Either a guy is a Lover who "puts on a bit of a front, pretending to be a Warrior," or a Lover, "putting on a front of wishing or pretending to be more Warriorly." When there are real skills built, they are not part of the basic personality tendency, (temperament we are born with), but rather are hard-won and hard-practiced skills at what we naturally lack, and have to always be practicing at...

[ArtMuse]

"...but rather are hard-won and hard-practiced skills at what we naturally lack, and have to always be practicing at...""

Don't I know it!



jewelee ~ So glad to have you posting on the forum. Welcome!
Great topic and one that you can conquer with practice, practice, practice.

I have no doubt that a Canadian Warrior woman in Hong Kong stirs up plenty of ...opportunity! Mandarin style!

Maybe the Y-DNA halogroup variation found among Japanese men ques your chemistry...? Who knows ~ whatever the reason, you've obviously identified your personal preference.
I'm sure you have a grasp of the social customs of both the Chinese and Japanese cultures. How might you now combine that knowledge, your Warrior confidence, and your Dr. Paul counsel to redirect your goals of meeting one or several suitable Lover men?

Wonderful challenge! Please continue to share your story ~
L'Art