How to Know the One NOT to Commit to

Okay, so an interesting article by Bob Strauss was printed on msn.com today. It reviews some things to watch for in screening out someone who is NOT the one for you before going to deep into commitment.

If you scan the article though, you might notice that there are very random choices in what makes for someone Not-the-One.

As you know, it can be much more handy to have an actual complete SYSTEM for knowing what stage you are in moving toward the altar - what used to be called "courtship," and what is covered in great detail in The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love (Penguin/Plume, 2007) - as well as the DVD seminar it is based on, called the Seventh Sense Seminar for women, at http://www.womenshappiness.com/ .

Let's take a closer look at the article in a systematic way, so that rather than just randomly wondering how to tell a person who will not be a fit for you from one who definitely WILL.

 

Signs your date isn't The One

By Bob Strauss Despite what you've been taught in school, that small voice in the back of your mind isn't necessarily your conscience-it may be the last fully functioning piece of your brain, desperately trying to tell you that the guy or gal you've been seeing isn't even close to being your soul mate. As unwelcome as this conclusion is, isn't it better to come to it by yourself rather than being lectured about it by an expert? No? Well, in that case, read on for a list of signs that it's time to get back into the trenches and continue that trudge toward true love.

Your date is devoted to another. "On a regular basis, he spoke to his mother more than he did to me," says Bethany from Minneapolis. "He talked to her every day, and then he would compare me to her. She has him on such a short leash that he hasn't ever made a major decision without her!"

DR PAUL: Not necessarily. If we throw out the whole importance of boundary skill in maintaining various relationships at one time (which mature adults do) then we can see how ALL of our relationships have at least some importance to us - otherwise we wouldn't have them at all.  When this is the case it is exceedingly important to know that every connection in our life is a separate one, not to be "ranked" as more important than others due to name or role, but more realistically by how much value they bring to our lives. Is your brother more important than your girlfriend? Vice Versa? Than your mother? Vice Versa? How can you make a statement that one is ranked higher than another, or more devoted.

Mature people with great boundary skill can value many people at once and see them all as unique. When we are kids we have rivalries jockeying for "favorite" in our parents eyes, not as adults fit for marriage.

Your potential spouse needs to be the most important and fit candidate to be "the best spouse." Call foul when someone demands that you choose them over your other vital relationships. I can't go with this one.

Your date overspends, and you're stingy. "If she shops to make herself feel good, and he feels better when money is saved for the future, look out: Irritation, frustration, and arguments can result," says Rita Benasutti, Ph.D., a therapist in Boca Raton, FL. In other words: Get out now, while your credit-card balance is still manageable.

DR PAUL: This one has two sides, not a blanket statement. If your date overspends, it MIGHT be out of poor boundary skill, which then precisely means that they are incapable of true commitment. They are also more likely to cheat.

However, on the other hand, what if you or your date are so tight and obsessive that you can't ever cut loose and have fun? Then that's the person with more growing to do.

Because of courtship and the systems of it that I teach you, you will find that a relationship that works, leads you to a "happy mean." In other words, you affect each other in a way that leads you BOTH to grow more balanced - neither a spendthrift, NOR an out-of-control gambler with your finances.  Same applies to every area of life.

Your politics are too different. Although there are some famous liberal/conservative couples out there, "If you have opposite ideologies, it's usually a deal-breaker," says John Seeley, author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. So, "if you find yourself saying things like ‘I can't believe you voted for him' or ‘I can't even kiss someone who likes that person,'" it's time to move on.

DR PAUL: Agreed. And it ain't just politics. When I cover the Commitment Phase of relationships, and the values you share, the greater the match in worldview, the greater the potential to be great teammates in life. Then, with the other steps of commitment I teach you - you are more likely to have a real and durable one.

Your sweetie just doesn't get your jokes. Take it from me: If that obscure Monty Python reference provokes polite but uncomprehending giggles on a first date, it'll be met with frosty silence six months down the road. The same formula applies if she thinks Garrison Keillor is hilarious, while you're like Homer Simpson banging on the TV set and shouting "Be more funny!"

DR PAUL: Yes, much of this one is ALSO in the Commitment Phase of courtship. When you have similar values, you tend to "get" humor of those with similar values. This is also important because for BOTH people there needs to be at least a baseline amount of RIGHT-BRAINED ability.  If NOT, then you get very challenged as a couple with unforeseen challenges like a financial stress, a health stress, children, etc. The importance of the Right-brain is covered in detail in the mindOS ecourse.

Commitment-wise, your date just isn't there yet. "I met someone over a year ago, and we really hit it off," says Michele from Atlanta. "He would call me from work daily, saying that he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again. But the closer we got, the more he started to pull back. Finally, I threw in the towel, realizing that even though we were compatible in many ways, he was not emotionally ready for a relationship."

DR PAUL: SUPER-TRICKY ONE. It is such a general statement one would have to agree. But what is utterly left out that we need to understand is the difference in instinct between the masculine goal and the feminine goal. Men instinctively go for beauty and sex, while women instinctively go for stable resources and committment.  Right from Evolutionary Psychology. Yet for men and women to ever get together for life there MUST be an equal and fair trade in what both people bring to the table.  The question unanswered here is WHY the man did not commit.

It MIGHT have been that he could not commit at this time to ANY woman. But then again it may be that what the woman brings to the table does not match what masculine freedoms he would give up if he were to commit.

There is no right answer without knowing the man at a deep psychological level, screening for signs of poor boundaries. If not present, then it is simply a mismatch of the needs brought to the table by both. The commitment was simply not appealing enough to the man in trade for his freedom. If he lies, cheats, doesn't know himself, or any of a number of other things reflecting boundary quality as LOW, then she did indeed dodge a bullet.

Your honey wants kids, and you don't. Or vice versa. "Often a person is so happy to find The One that he assumes love, marriage, and having children go together, but for the other person, being a twosome and being in love is enough," says Dr. Benasutti. "It's a good idea to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your potential mate to understand his perspective."

DR PAUL: AGREED, both in terms of sharing goals and values. (You cannot be a team capable of commitment if you will be working at cross purposes at the major goals of life.)  Yet if you also go to a deeper level here and with the system covered in the Seventh Sense Seminar, you see how it is that passion, love, and commitment are three very separate and distinct things, each working by rules and processes all their own.

Your tastes are too different. "The number-one reason for failed relationships is what I call ‘refinement incompatibility,'" says Zannah Hackett, author of The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking. "Some of us are content to go camping, while others can't survive outside a Ritz-Carlton hotel room. Some things are negotiable, but refinement incompatibility is not one of them, no matter how magnetically attracted you are to each other."

DR PAUL: This is one of those fascinating ideas, a real gem. Her "refinement compatibility" points to the "little things in life" that matter to us in such dear ways that you can only explain them in terms of our lives being much like rich STORIES.  When you love something that no one else does, because it is "so you," and the other person just doesn't get that, belittles it, or simply doesn't "know you" at that kind of level - it's one of those subtle hints that can grow into a punch in the gut.

I once knew an American man who dated a European. He was making a joke one day, doing an impression of the cartoon character form childhood called Scooby Doo. The European woman had no idea what in the world he was doing. He broke up at that, much to the confusion of their mutual friends. It wasn't a petty, uptight thing. It was that for him, the cultural lack of "knowing" each other (goes BOTH ways to be fair) was really a far larger gap than either had admitted to. The little mishap was a symbol that their stories individually did not at all match at a heart-felt way when it comes to "the little things of life."

Your lifestyles are too different. If you're a corporate exec pulling in six figures a year, you've probably figured out by now whether you can tolerate a guy who earns an order of magnitude less in terms of his salary. No harm, no foul: Pulling out now is better than leading him along (or unexpectedly sticking him with the tab at that expensive restaurant).

DR PAUL: Once again - Commitment Phase. You have to have enough in common that teamwork is a possibility. It can't when one person has such different needs just to keep their life running.

There's no oomph. "When we first met, the sexual attraction wasn't there," says Lauren from New York of a relationship she had high hopes for... at first. "Sometimes that attraction develops as you get to know a person and start to like him, and sometimes it doesn't, but it's very different from instantly having that sexual chemistry when he glances at you for the very first time."

DR PAUL: Covered in depth when we learn in the seminars about Sexual Attraction as the first and absolute deal-breaking phase of courtship. If not there immediately, it may either NEVER be there, or not in enough, reliable amounts to keep the chemistry glued together for the rest of what must develop between them. 

Your relationship has you on edge. "I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety," says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. "When something isn't right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong."

DR PAUL: A very unique and common sense observation. It's true, but WHY?  Well those of you who have the book or The Seventh Sense Seminar know EXACTLY why, so you'll always be able to spot this. It's that FRIENDSHIP must be in every relationship, and I define it precisely and scientifically: "consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion."

If someone is always dumping their anxiety into you, or doing anxiety-provoking things that would bother nearly anybody, then technically and scientifically, they can't be defined as a FRIEND. Anxiety is not a positive emotion. What's more, if they dump on you a great deal, they themselves have boundary work to do. They may be a dependent, a cohabitant, a roommate, or have any of a number of names, from boyfriend to husband - but they are not a friend.

And isn't that a problem?

When you really "get" this system of understanding dating and relationships, you can easily, literally take any article on love out there, and pick it apart into the working parts of courtship - find the problems and gaps, and address them.

The Seventh Sense Seminar and the live events where we teach them, are just like having your own MRI machine for looking at the anatomy of your relationships, diagnosing them, and if possible, fixing them.

Thanks for being a part of this, and cultivating this new skill I call "The Seventh Sense."

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