The Science of Being a Woman

Propinquity: The Ultimate Urban Benefit
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Propinquity: The Ultimate Urban Benefit

Home Career Propinquity: The Ultimate Urban Benefit

Every now and again you’re surprised by something you learn about something you encounter or even work with every day. Maybe you have found that effect in the courses of Women’s Happiness Magazine. Many people will say that something from the KWML, Complete Feminine Empowerment, MindOS or Seventh Sense Programs teach them some things that they always knew were true – “Aha! I should have thought of that!” they say. Well I got to enjoy that same experience from my own agent this week.

I just moved to NYC, and she immediately sent an email to a certain someone, saying that we ought to take advantage of “propinquity.”

I loved it. I had never heard of that word before, and often I have a general guess at what even some of the least-used words mean. (You can usually guess by the prefix, suffix, or root, right?)

Not this one.  I had to look it up and was thrilled to get to learn something here. What better than to learn a new word about ourselves, right?

The wikipedia definition was:

“In social psychology, propinquity (from Latin propinquitas, “nearness”) is one of the main factors leading to interpersonal attraction. It refers to the physical or psychological proximity between people. Propinquity can mean physical proximity, a kinship between people, or a similarity in nature between things (“like-attracts-like”). Two people living on the same floor of a building, for example, have a higher propinquity than those living on different floors, just as two people with similar political beliefs possess a higher propinquity than those whose beliefs strongly differ. Propinquity is also one of the factors, set out by Jeremy Bentham, used to measure the amount of (utilitarian) pleasure in a method known as felicific calculus.”

I immediately knew it well.

It’s that unique feature of the KWML which explains why it is that two people of opposite personality – and very different tastes, habits, communication styles, and sources of happiness – would go crazy for each other in a romance.

It’s that feature of maturity which in the MindOS, explains why two people of similar boundary strength and maturity would more likely go for each other than people of differing maturity levels.

It’s that nature to masculine and feminine instinct – being so different – which even being so different, can draw them into an irresistible sexual attraction. As explained in the Complete Feminine Empowerment.

And it is that pulling together, near, different, and yet complimentary, which draw a man and woman inexorably together as a couple through the steps and phases of human courtship as described in the Seventh Sense .

All month on the Women’s Happiness On Demand Program we have talked about the topic of “Urban Anthropology” as a way of tapping into the power of cities on your social life.

I just moved to NYC as I’ve said, so the nature of cities and what they offer is top of mind, and the best new and raw thing I can share…

…but “propinquity” also applies to cities so strongly, it also explains why it is that I so often advise people who overuse matchmaking or online dating services to replace live, in person socializing, or why so many who live rurally, dive into those matchmaking services and can end up so dissappointed



Propinquity means “nearness” both psychologically and physically. So think about what this means statistically. If you were looking for a job, would you rather apply exclusively in Alaska? Or New York City or London? Well maybe you have always wanted to be a fisherman, but that had better be all you ever wanted to be if you apply in Alaska.

So often there is the objection, “That’s not a fair thing to say. Alaska is great.”  Maybe so, to visit, or to fish or go on an expedition, but if you are serious about getting a job in nearly any other industry, you had better get yourself to a populous place.

Why would it be any different with your dating.

I recently played around with the social media called FourSquare again, after two years of ignoring it. Honestly the reason it made no sense to me was that in other cities I lived in – Denver, or Chicago, mid-sized places, there were maybe ten or less cool places to be caught “checking into.” Literally every two blocks I go in NYC there are fifteen interesting places to check out the food, art, clothing, you name it.  It might be the only city besides London or Paris (and possible Los Angeles) that has such a variety of establishments to even be that compelling a social medium.

The point is not to diss other cities, but to point out that statistics DO matter, and while it only takes one place, or man, or job to meet your dreams, why would you go for twenty years trying to find them, instead of in one week or one day.

That’s “propinquity.”  It’s time to relocate, or at least visit something you aren’t used to.

You could literally meet more people, see more places, and interview for more jobs in a fraction of the time if you wrapped your mind around this. It’s truly the stuff of the MindOS and KWML Programs at Women’s Happiness Magazine. The first is about your choices and preferences in general things in life, and the latter is about “your people” – including friends and men to associate with.


It’s Not All About Physicality

Sometimes propinquity is not about your physical nearness to opportunities or people. Sometimes it is about being of one mind, and similarities of values, goals, beliefs and a fit of personality.

Call it “affinity.” What you like and whom you like.

I have a special relationship to England, in which I like nearly everything about the country except the comedy, television and their health clubs.  It’s nearly a perfect match, but one could say that I am an “Anglophile.”

Maybe you love all things Latin, or all things Asian or South Asian. To each her own. The end result is that it is just not good enough to sit around wishing and waiting, or dreaming of the things you have an affinity for when they actually exist thousands of miles away.

It’s your “affinity” that draws you to take a chance, go on a dare, and actually reach out or go out and make things happen in the place that offers you the best statistics supporting you WINNING what it is you want.

You can have all the strategy in the world – the best “attitude,” the best resume, the most money and the most connected friends. But if you are in the wrong ENVIRONMENT to achieve success, there is only so far you can go.

This is what we talk about in the MindOS Mastery Program on the subject of decision-making. We all know that our decisions ought to be ethical, but one of the most well-loved films that were also “sleepers” I am always quoting from – Sliding Doors – teaches a lesson that people really need to master “intuition” more than anything. It’s probably the least-taught psychological skill by typical educational systems and the media.  How to be shrewd, and smart, and on top of things, and “know what time it is.”

Intuition is the twin sister of conscience, or ethics. Without it you cannot be “wise.” Which means that your decisions are no good.

One way we teach you about these twin forces in your decisions in the MindOS Program is to show you that conscience is an assessment that what YOU do is right vs wrong, but intuition is an assessment that what the ENVIRONMENT does back to you is right vs wrong.

How many people do you know who try and try and try for what they want – using great spirit and attitude, and intentions – but then nothing happens. They feel sorry and depressed about all their efforts.

Clearly, your environment matters for your success – not just your skill or education, or confidence, or self-esteem, or intellect, or looks, or money. None of it can stand up to bad environmental circumstances.

The beauty of propinquity is that all you need to know about is NEARNESS to what you want.

What do you like?

Follow your nose and go to where it is.

What kind of men do you like?

Follow your nose and go to where they are.

What is your dream job?

Whether you are far away from the urban hub that is a popular launching pad for it or not, pick up a book about it, join a group associated with it, and spend your time, energy and money on people who like it and places that foster it.

What were you ever thinking? Living in the places you’ve lived, spending time on the people you’ve spent time on, dating the men who are not right for you, and working jobs that just plain suck for you (and maybe not most others.)

Get off your butt, and build the statistics for yourself that propinquity provides.


Being Near the Opponent

Sometimes propinquity takes you near the very thing that is wrong for you, right into the lion’s den, the place that is most harmful or devastating to you. That may be the case if you have “inner demons” of past hurts, traumas, or failures, or a “monkey on your back” in terms of crutches you have built up over the years to help you survive hard times.

Be on guard for this.  Many a woman has imagined that a type of man (a rich guy for example), or a job (a revered profession, such as attorney or doctor or professor), or a place (the very same cities I touted – NYC, London, Paris) are going to be “everything they ever wanted.”

Then they find out that no physical locale can be your perfect supporter or parent. And no specific friend, man or mentor can be either.

And you get disillusioned.

Sometimes your travels will take you toe to toe with the very thing you finally need to say NO to, or defeat the fear of, or really give a piece of your mind to – and that’s fine too so long as you recognize it.

This attention to the reality around you which prepares you for the perfect actions in life is called Observing Ego – also covered in the MindOS Mastery Program.

Your own loves in terms of jobs, men, and lifestyles may very well take you to the very places that your competitors, detractors, and enemies are also drawn to. Don’t let that deter you. Ignore them as you go for your dream.

It’s the Complete Feminine Empowerment where we deal with competition with other males effectively, and you ought to look into these sets of principles.

In the end, when you recognize the difference between true friend and enemy, opportunity and distraction, opportunity and trap, you will grow through the use of your Observing Ego skill.

Before this assessment, propinquity will serve you well in choosing ONLY the best places, people and men for you, and propinquity will serve you well after the assessment in measuring the wisdom of your choices.

Enjoy this word, and its immense power.

It won’t let you down, because mathematics can’t possibly be wrong.

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